Those Pesky Question-Askers

It's a situation every college student is familiar with.

You're sitting in class, minding your own business (which may or may not include listening to the professor), and a movement catches your eye. You pick your head up, turning it towards the direction of the distraction, and silently hope that it isn't...one of them. They always interrupt class, detracting from your learning experience, and just plain hurt your delicate brain with their stupidities. You probably then audibly sigh, expressing your frustration to your colleagues, because what you witnessed is exactly what you feared:

Someone has their hand up.

They’re there in every class. You know the ones – they can’t seem to keep their mouth shut during lecture because they’re just bursting at the seams with intellectual ideas that must go forth so that their wisdom can enhance the lecture. One notices as well that they seem to know everything there is to know about the subject…or at least they think they do. They seem to convince themselves that everything they have to say is useful, when really, they talk because they either a.) like the sound of their own voice, b.) like to feel smart but really are not and their questions compensate for that, or c.) all of the above. It is perhaps the worst part of any lecture. They ask inane questions or raise their hands to make “observations”, neither of which have anything really to do with what the professor is saying, and the other students start bursting at the seams to allow their thoughts to go forth: “Shut up, for the love of God! Nobody cares!” And the smaller the lecture, the worse they are, because there is honestly no way to escape them. At least in the large lectures one can sleep, put on their headphones, or do one of those convenient Sudoku puzzles provided by The Daily Cardinal or The Badger Herald unnoticed. But in a small lecture or discussion of say, thirty people, it’s a difficult feat to melt into a crowd that isn’t there in order to drown out the infernal questions and speculations without a professor noticing.

What’s to be done about them, a good student who keeps their mouth shut would wonder? Well, there’s always the direct approach of throwing something heavy at them, like a brick or an overpriced textbook, but that has the potential to end badly, such as jail time or replacing textbooks (which is worse is yet to be determined). So, unless you’re willing to brave your college town’s jail cells or fork over another $200 for a book you’re never going to open, I would not personally recommend this option. A second option is the more indirect approach of shouting at said person, insulting them and reducing them to a smoldering pile of ash from the heat of your scathing remarks, but professors tend not to like that so much either, even if it relieves them from their scholarly duties of answering, since it adds to their headache brought on from the question-askers (as well as the overload of coffee). What professors hate even more, it seems, than those students who cannot manage to shut themselves up are disruptions in general. It's a disruption enough to have some fool waving their hand in the air in the middle of educating a room full of people, but those can at least be easily ignored - having an unconcious, possibly bleeding or engulfed-in-flame student on the ground cannot.

But have faith, diligent students! All hope is not yet lost.

Through research, I have developed a few ideas on how to combat this killer of brain cells - some are a few more intricate than others, but all of them just might be able to rid the world of the bane of our existances.

OPTION 1. One tactic which can work in a smaller group is to just stare at them intently everytime they speak, or even if they look like they are about to speak. But you have to really go for it, like no blinking, move your head, eyes wide. It doesn't matter what they think - that you're going to stalk them, kill them or that you're just weird - they usually find it pretty off putting. (Submitted by Chris "Tosser" Hale)
OPTION 2. A variation on option 1: making eye contact with said hand-raiser, and shaking your head back and forth rapidly in attempt to discourage them from raising their hand in the first place.
OPTION 3. The University could install circuits for small electrical currents in each seat in lecture halls. The professor would have a chart of all the seats at their podium, and each time an inane question is asked, the professor would be able to push the corresponding button to the seat of the student, electrocuting them minorly. This is similar to the use of "shock collars" for dogs - eventually, the student will learn to keep their hand down and not overstep their "boundaries," similar to a family pet. (Taken from Episode 2, Season 2 of the popular television show "Futurama")
OPTION 4. A student or a group of students wear ski masks or other items of clothing that hide the face, and sit in the most obsolete of locations in lecture - preferably hidden to the professor (and the potential question-askers, if at all possible). When the target raises his or her hand, the student or band of students throws a series of increasingly heavy objects at the student if they do not cease speaking. The student or band of students then run out of the lecture hall. This is very similar to guerilla warfare. (Taken from history - Vietnam/Iraq/assorted wars, etc.)

If anyone else has ideas on how to fight this enemy, please feel free to submit them!

For now, that is all.

(Apologies for my absence, by the way - life got just a tad hectic since Valentine's Day)