You know, I'm not usually a big movie critic. It doesn't take much to entertain me, and there are very few movies out there that I outright detest. Then again, it takes a bit to make me positively enamored with a movie, too; the characters have to be memorable, they have to have a certain attitude about them that sticks with you, the setting of the movie has to be good-looking, fitting, and beautiful, and hey, action that captivates you and makes you go, "No way!" is a big plus, too.
As for The Dark Knight?
Add it to the list of movies that I am completely enamored with.
First, let's discuss what this movie is actually about. Essentially, this movie, though about Batman, is not about him - it's about something bigger than just one superhero, one rich playboy-turned-protector. This movie is about Gotham, about a city torn apart by rampant crime who turn against their own vigilante savior because they fear the dark that is coming upon them, the dark that always comes before the light. It's not about Batman himself, but more about whether or not a superhero who is still a human being can have the strength of character, not physically, to do what is right in the face of adversity.
Given all of this, I feel like Christian Bale did a fantastic job of his role taking more to the sidelines than in the previous Batman Begins. That film's purpose was to set up Bruce Wayne's story, to give rhyme and reason to his "no-kill" policy, and to help the audience understand just what makes him tick. Not so in The Dark Knight. The audience, already familiar with his story, is spared a redundant rehash and is instead treated to watching the Batman deal with a whole new breed of criminal: The Joker (I'll talk about him in just a second - there's just not enough space in this article to really do him justice, anyway). It is quite true that one of the movie's central devices is the ways in which Bruce struggles with his new status as a vigiliante, a "criminal" in the eyes of some, and whether or not he can shoulder the burden of being Gotham's true protector - a burden which comes with great sacrifices. Regardless of this being a central theme and a device which drives the movie forward, I still don't feel like this movie was really about Batman. Though Batman is the "Dark Knight" of the title, and is the central character of the movie, it is less about him than everyone else.
Really, the supporting cast is what makes this film so unbelievable. Aaron Eckhart was a perfect Harvey Dent; he looked the part with his square jawline and pretty-boy blond hair, and played Dent with a fervor that matches his character(s) perfectly. I hardly recognized Gary Oldman as Gordan, but maybe that's because he's stuck in my mind currently as Sirius Black...either way, he was also perfect for his role as a doubtful cop who still holds hope in the elusive Batman, as well as perfect for that mustache.
Maggie Gyllenhaal I wasn't as enamored with (how often in my life am I going to say I liked Katie Holmes better?), but I thought she did a good job filling in a roll that was already played by someone else, and she gave Rachel, at the very least, a personality - something I suppose the previous Rachel rather lacked, in retrospect. Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine were brilliant as Lucius Fox and Alfred the Butler, respectively, in roles that nobody would otherwise care about had they not played them so well.
And then...there's Heath Ledger's Joker. He is what this movie is about, whether it intended to be or not. He stole the show in every single scene he cackled his way into (which, by the way, was deliciously creepy). A far more psychological and downright disturbing Joker than that of Jack Nicholson from 19 years back, this Joker doesn't laugh at his cynical Batman jokes - instead, he laughs at his own little plots, his schemes devised to bring anarchy upon Gotham so that he can stand and watch the city burn down around him...just for the hell of it. The Joker explains himself at one point as a "dog chasing a car...I wouldn't know what to do when I got it," and I think that's pretty accurate of the character himself: the audience wouldn't know what to do if they ever managed to understand him. That's the thing about the Joker, really, what makes him so disturbing to the common person: there's no reason to anything he does. He's not after money, he's not after glory - he just really likes to blow stuff up. We, as people motivated by goals, find this impossible to believe, and that's what makes Ledger's Joker all the more terrifying.
There is, of course, his appearance itself. No longer is he cartoonish and ridiculous-looking with his shock of green hair, cheerfully-colored suits, and carefully painted clown makeup; instead, his clothes are darker, his hair has only a tinge of green hiding amongst all of the grease and who knows what else, and his makeup is caked on haphazardly...the only thing he seems to apply with care is the blood-red line across his face, twisting his white, crackly visage into a grotesque grin. "Why so serious?"
As for the Joker's personality, he's a character that, though it rather repulses you, you can't help but love him. That's really part of the horror of the Joker in this film...he performs these terrible acts (for example, his first full scene where he performs a "magic trick" in which a pencil vanishes...into someones face), yet you still laugh at them ("Ta daaaaaaaa!"), then are immediately horrified at yourself for finding such grotesque actions funny. He seems to bring out not only the worst in the characters on-screen, but in the people watching it as well. Ledger's performance was quite simply cinematic brilliance - the ultimate villian, the ultimate antithesis to an already-conflicted hero.
I give this film an A+: the effects were fantastic, the stunts were believable, the action was simply badass but not over-the-top or excessive, the plot was intriguing, the dialogue was believable and engaging, and the acting was unparalleled - and not just for a comic book movie, or even a summer movie, for that matter. By breaking many hero film conventions (one in particular - trust me, you'll know which should you see it), this film, and particularly Heath Ledger, have some serious clout going into Oscar season.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Downfall of the CD Industry: A Theory
Today, I received, with great joy, a CD in the mail.
I bought it off of Amazon.com, and eagerly awaited its arrival today at work, excited to play its aural goodness to keep me from losing my mind due to boredom. It finally arrived right before I left for lunch, so I held off on leaving until I could open it up and blast it like a madwoman in my car. I brought the package to my desk, slit the tape, and excitedly removed all of the plastic wrapping and cardboard from my precious compact disc.
However, instead of the quick process I was hoping for (I was very hungry - apparently, dieting does that to you...but I digress), it turned into some sort of open heart surgery-esque process involving scissors, finger maneuvering, and way too much complexity for simply opening a package.
And that, my friends, is what lead to the downfall of the non-digital music industry.
Oh sure, the argument can be made for the advent of Napster and the free music craze taking away from over-priced CD sales ("Why pay go to the store and $20 for this CD when I can get it at home, on my computer, for free?"), but why was digital music so appealing in the first place? Because it has no wrapping on it. Now I'm sure you're reading this and scoffing, but think back to the last few CDs or DVDs you've bought recently (however long ago that may be): was it not the most aggrevating process to remove all of the plastic and stickers from the case without either partially destroying the packaging and/or making a mess out of extremely sticky little pieces of plastic? Yeah, that's what I thought.
The fact that CDs (and DVDs for that matter) are really expensive is, of course, a factor in the downfall of the music industry, as it seems almost silly to buy something when you can just get it for free; however, what it really comes down to is convenience. You don't even have to leave your home or office to get whatever song or album or movie you want on a complete whim - but that's only half of the convenience. A digital file has no wrapping. No labels, no stickers, no scissors, no packaging disasters - in other words, no exceptional frustration after spending your hard-earned money on something you could have just gotten for free.
That, my friends, is how the music industry slaughtered their cash cow: everyone is just way too impatient for those pain-in-the-ass wrappers.
I bought it off of Amazon.com, and eagerly awaited its arrival today at work, excited to play its aural goodness to keep me from losing my mind due to boredom. It finally arrived right before I left for lunch, so I held off on leaving until I could open it up and blast it like a madwoman in my car. I brought the package to my desk, slit the tape, and excitedly removed all of the plastic wrapping and cardboard from my precious compact disc.
However, instead of the quick process I was hoping for (I was very hungry - apparently, dieting does that to you...but I digress), it turned into some sort of open heart surgery-esque process involving scissors, finger maneuvering, and way too much complexity for simply opening a package.
And that, my friends, is what lead to the downfall of the non-digital music industry.
Oh sure, the argument can be made for the advent of Napster and the free music craze taking away from over-priced CD sales ("Why pay go to the store and $20 for this CD when I can get it at home, on my computer, for free?"), but why was digital music so appealing in the first place? Because it has no wrapping on it. Now I'm sure you're reading this and scoffing, but think back to the last few CDs or DVDs you've bought recently (however long ago that may be): was it not the most aggrevating process to remove all of the plastic and stickers from the case without either partially destroying the packaging and/or making a mess out of extremely sticky little pieces of plastic? Yeah, that's what I thought.
The fact that CDs (and DVDs for that matter) are really expensive is, of course, a factor in the downfall of the music industry, as it seems almost silly to buy something when you can just get it for free; however, what it really comes down to is convenience. You don't even have to leave your home or office to get whatever song or album or movie you want on a complete whim - but that's only half of the convenience. A digital file has no wrapping. No labels, no stickers, no scissors, no packaging disasters - in other words, no exceptional frustration after spending your hard-earned money on something you could have just gotten for free.
That, my friends, is how the music industry slaughtered their cash cow: everyone is just way too impatient for those pain-in-the-ass wrappers.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Irony
My life has once again been struck by a runaway case of irony. Remember back to my very first post in this blog, where I sound off about how being pale is awesome and how I try to avoid the sunlight for the safety of my very well-being?
Yeah, that worked out well.
Somehow, some way, I wound up with a suspicious spot on my leg that, after having a biopsy performed on it, turned out to be melanoma.
...seriously?
Here I am, someone who has never gone tanning a day in my life, tends to avoid sunlight like the plague, and always wears sunscreen at the beach - and I get skin cancer? What about all those girls from my high school, the sun-worshipers, that went tanning on a weekly basis during the school year, and layed out in their yards all summer? No? Well then, I guess I'm just lucky, huh?
The irony of it all just blindsided me (along with, of course, the shock of it), particularly since I wrote that blog way back when about paleness. I have, and always will be, proud of my paleness - even if I'm now more prone to skin cancer. But really, what are the chances...gah.
Yeah, that worked out well.
Somehow, some way, I wound up with a suspicious spot on my leg that, after having a biopsy performed on it, turned out to be melanoma.
...seriously?
Here I am, someone who has never gone tanning a day in my life, tends to avoid sunlight like the plague, and always wears sunscreen at the beach - and I get skin cancer? What about all those girls from my high school, the sun-worshipers, that went tanning on a weekly basis during the school year, and layed out in their yards all summer? No? Well then, I guess I'm just lucky, huh?
The irony of it all just blindsided me (along with, of course, the shock of it), particularly since I wrote that blog way back when about paleness. I have, and always will be, proud of my paleness - even if I'm now more prone to skin cancer. But really, what are the chances...gah.
Monday, June 23, 2008
A Drive-By of Sorts
Like what I say every post - man, it's been a while. Last update, I was gearing up for finals; now, it's almost July and I've worked myself into a total stupor...I think my brain's completely turned off at this point. Either way, this summer has been extremely interesting thus far. I've rendered myself partially crippled (my new name is Crips McGee, fyi) due to the 8 stitches in my right thigh courtesy of getting a strange growth removed, and the second-degree scald burns on my left hand courtesy of a malignant bowl of oatmeal (these, of course, happened within 24 hours of each other) - basically, I've just been failing all over the place and have no way to stop it.
Anyway, my life being nearly destroyed by an out-of-control bowl of hot breakfast cereal is not the point of this post. The point involves an...incident...that occurred yesterday while my car was parked in the Wal-Mart parking lot (shame on me, I know - but can you really beat $4 generic prescriptions?).
I left my car parked fairly far away, as finding a spot was nearly impossible - apparently, all the white trash comes out of the woodwork for their Sunday Wal-Mart extragavanza. I hobbled my way to the store, picked up my prescription for my pathetic gimp leg, and set out back to my car. I called a friend as I walked back, wanting to ask her opinion on where all the hicks come from - yes, seriously. It's Villa Park, for chrissakes! Where do all these three-toothed, cutoffs-bearing rednecks come from?! Either way, I digress - I approached the zone where I remembered parking my car. I saw a silver car of the same make and model as mine, but this one had a bumper sticker on it - definitely not my car. I walked by it, then realized that there were no other cars that looked like mine anywhere.
'Wait a second...something's not right here,' I thought to myself as I walked back to the lookalike - nay, impostor - of my car. I stood behind it, stared at it a little bit, then read the license plate and realized that it was, in fact, my car. With a bumper sticker. A bumper sticker that I definitely did not put there.
After an obscenity-laced exclamation to my wireless companion, I stared at the sticker, trying to figure out what exactly the offensive sticker said. I figured it would be something stupid, some sort of political something-or-other, but no. It was even better. I spoke the words out loud as I read them:
"Hagrid, keeper of the keys and grounds"
Wait a second.
Hagrid? As in Hagrid from Harry Potter?
Yes. Yes, indeed, as there was a picture of a large, ruddy-faced, bearded giant with a little tiny lizard-type-creature biting his finger, grinning madly. What? Hagrid and...Norbert? On my car? Without my consent?
...SWEET.
Essentially, what this event boils down to is a drive-by bumper-stickering. I really can't think of any better way to explain this. I went into Wal-Mart sans bumper sticker, and returned with one. What really blows my mind is the fact that whoever this person or persons may be, they took one look at my car and thought, "Hmm, I bet with a French national motto across the back window of a sweet 2002 Mazda, this person loves Harry Potter," and then stuck my car with a Hagrid bumper sticker. Either that, or it was someone who knows me who happened to have an HP bumper sticker on hand...or it was just entirely random. I'm actually not sure which story I'd prefer most; they all have such a nice ring to them, and add their own dimensions to an already fantastic yarn.
So, what do you think? Was it:
a.) a conspiracy, geared towards an expansion of my own personal Harry Potter universe?
b.) one of my fellow HP-fanatic friends, trying to make my head explode in glee?
c.) a completely random and isolated incident
d.) perhaps a series of guerilla Harry Potter bumper sticker attacks?
or,
e.) something entirely of your own design?
Please, in order to solve this mystery, I'll need your help!
(This is like those Goosebumps books from back in the day where you choose your own ending...but better!)
And by the way, I actually found the sticker in question on eBay for your viewing pleasure:
http://cgi.ebay.com/Harry-Potter-Sticker-HAGRID-and-NORBERT-grounds-keeper_W0QQitemZ190231164523QQcmdZViewItem?IMSfp=TL0806211638r28779
And so it starts...
Anyway, my life being nearly destroyed by an out-of-control bowl of hot breakfast cereal is not the point of this post. The point involves an...incident...that occurred yesterday while my car was parked in the Wal-Mart parking lot (shame on me, I know - but can you really beat $4 generic prescriptions?).
I left my car parked fairly far away, as finding a spot was nearly impossible - apparently, all the white trash comes out of the woodwork for their Sunday Wal-Mart extragavanza. I hobbled my way to the store, picked up my prescription for my pathetic gimp leg, and set out back to my car. I called a friend as I walked back, wanting to ask her opinion on where all the hicks come from - yes, seriously. It's Villa Park, for chrissakes! Where do all these three-toothed, cutoffs-bearing rednecks come from?! Either way, I digress - I approached the zone where I remembered parking my car. I saw a silver car of the same make and model as mine, but this one had a bumper sticker on it - definitely not my car. I walked by it, then realized that there were no other cars that looked like mine anywhere.
'Wait a second...something's not right here,' I thought to myself as I walked back to the lookalike - nay, impostor - of my car. I stood behind it, stared at it a little bit, then read the license plate and realized that it was, in fact, my car. With a bumper sticker. A bumper sticker that I definitely did not put there.
After an obscenity-laced exclamation to my wireless companion, I stared at the sticker, trying to figure out what exactly the offensive sticker said. I figured it would be something stupid, some sort of political something-or-other, but no. It was even better. I spoke the words out loud as I read them:
"Hagrid, keeper of the keys and grounds"
Wait a second.
Hagrid? As in Hagrid from Harry Potter?
Yes. Yes, indeed, as there was a picture of a large, ruddy-faced, bearded giant with a little tiny lizard-type-creature biting his finger, grinning madly. What? Hagrid and...Norbert? On my car? Without my consent?
...SWEET.
Essentially, what this event boils down to is a drive-by bumper-stickering. I really can't think of any better way to explain this. I went into Wal-Mart sans bumper sticker, and returned with one. What really blows my mind is the fact that whoever this person or persons may be, they took one look at my car and thought, "Hmm, I bet with a French national motto across the back window of a sweet 2002 Mazda, this person loves Harry Potter," and then stuck my car with a Hagrid bumper sticker. Either that, or it was someone who knows me who happened to have an HP bumper sticker on hand...or it was just entirely random. I'm actually not sure which story I'd prefer most; they all have such a nice ring to them, and add their own dimensions to an already fantastic yarn.
So, what do you think? Was it:
a.) a conspiracy, geared towards an expansion of my own personal Harry Potter universe?
b.) one of my fellow HP-fanatic friends, trying to make my head explode in glee?
c.) a completely random and isolated incident
d.) perhaps a series of guerilla Harry Potter bumper sticker attacks?
or,
e.) something entirely of your own design?
Please, in order to solve this mystery, I'll need your help!
(This is like those Goosebumps books from back in the day where you choose your own ending...but better!)
And by the way, I actually found the sticker in question on eBay for your viewing pleasure:
http://cgi.ebay.com/Harry-Potter-Sticker-HAGRID-and-NORBERT-grounds-keeper_W0QQitemZ190231164523QQcmdZViewItem?IMSfp=TL0806211638r28779
And so it starts...
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
A Top 30 List.
Apologies for my hiatus! Apparently, I do this thing where I pay thousands of dollars a year to get an education or something, and I guess it takes time away from my blogging - an unfortunate side effect of going to college.
Anyway, I found a list similar to the following one here: http://members.aol.com/ivycleartoes/30list.html so I figured I'd give it a shot myself. This should be both interesting and entertaining for all.
The Top 30 Characters I'd Do
30.) George - George of the Jungle
Oh, he’s just so cute and endearing. He remains untainted by the modern world, and has an ape named Ape and an elephant named Shep. He's noble in his own right, and loves Jane very, very much. Plus, body. Wow. IN BED: Added bonuses include perpetual privacy in the jungle (save from those pesky animals) and his incredible vine-swinging ability.
29.) Dr. Jo Harding – Twister
Jo is a very strong character who’s dedicated to the cause to an almost fanatical degree, due to a tragedy in her past. However, she doesn’t let this bog her down – she’s as devoted as they get to chasing twisters, and is also partially responsible for developing an advanced storm-studying pack. She’s intelligent, she’s a risk-taker, and she never did really give up on Bill. IN BED: The woman likes to chase tornadoes, for god’s sake. She’s about as exciting as they come.
28.) V - V for Vendetta
V is shrouded in mystery. He can save a damsel in distress, kick ass and take names, and cook you breakfast all in one fell swoop - all without removing his mask (which is, in some strange way, rather sexy). V's intelligence, thirst for vengeance, freedom fighting, and remaining compassion make him the most desirable masked bachelor I've seen in a long time. IN BED: With moves like his, V can detonate my Parliament any day.
27.) Eric Foreman – That 70’s Show
I've always had a thing for the gangly nerdy kids, and Eric Foreman embodies just that. He's kind of a slacker and doesn't seem to be good at anything in particular, but he tends to be the brains of the operation...next to Donna, that is. IN BED: half of the girls in Point Place seem to have had a thing for him at one point (haha?) or another, so apparently there's something going on there. Besides, who wouldn't want sex in the Vista Cruiser?
24.) Hamlet – Hamlet
You gotta love the conflicted guy. Hamlet is potentially the most intelligent literary figure ever, and you’re never quite sure whether or not he’s crazy…he’s either a fantastic actor, or completely off his rocker. Regardless, Hamlet’s a mystery I’d love to solve. IN BED: His tendency towards crazy, passionate mood swings would definitely spice things up. That, and there’s the whole prince of an entire country thing. At least one thing is not rotten in the state of Denmark…
23.) Patrick Verona – 10 Things I Hate About You
Patrick Verona is, for lack of a better term, a complete badass. The rumor mill is constantly churning around him, with crazy stories that make him practically legendary at Padua High. He has a sexy, brooding look to him with his crazy black hair and biker-esque clothes, complimented by the constant presence of his non-violent Buddhist friend. I always like a man who's into variety. IN BED: He has no liver and once ate an entire duck. I like the adventurous types.
22.) Legolas – The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Ah, the strong, silent type. Legolas is almost effeminate in appearance if you forget about his extraordinary archery, unsurpassable fighting skills, his longevity as a runner, his devotion to his brethren, and his intense, piercing stare…so I guess he’s really not, save for the pretty blond hair. Legolas is not cocky, despite the fact that he owns the crap out of any sorry orc that comes his way, and his poise and silent confidence are exceptionally sexy. IN BED: He can run for days and not get tired. That, I’m sure, applies elsewhere.
21.) Kat – 10 Things I Hate About You
And 10 Things I hate About You makes another appearance! Kat has so much attitude that you don’t even know where to start. She’s so fervently against the grain that she’s almost predictable, she’s got a bad temper, everyone’s afraid of her, and she does whatever she damn well pleases…and yet still manages to be a little human and fall for the adorable Pat Verona. Kat is exceptionally badass, and is an excellent interpretation of The Taming of the Shrew’s well…shrew. IN BED: That girl is a dirty, dirty dancer.
20.) Lestat – Interview with the Vampire
Ah, the Brat Prince. Lestat is decadent, indulgent, and occasionally sweet – sort of like a good desert. But Lestat is much more than that: he’s introspective, deep, sensitive, has a love of fine and beautiful things, and is a conflicted, troubled man. That, and he’s a vampire. Pretty hot. IN BED: I’d trade many, many eternities of damnation for a night with Lestat.
19.) Jack Dawson – Titanic
Yeah, yeah, I know, what a cliché. Even still, Jack’s nobility, cheekiness, and bravery make him one sexy immigrant. I’d steam up a car with Jack any day, even if it involved being on a sinking ship. IN BED: Two words: artist's hands. Enough said.
18.) Detective Stabler – Law and Order: SVU
Detective Elliot Stabler is intense, strong, and focused: what else would you want in a man in bed? His attitude is awesome; he won’t stop until he gets the bad guy, yet he readily admits to his flaws, of which he has many. And that’s why we love him. IN BED: I’d play cops and robbers with him any day.
17.) William – A Knight’s Tale
William Thatcher: a poor man with a knight’s ambitions. You gotta sympathize with him; he really makes a lot out of a life that didn’t give him much. William is loyal to his friends, fiercely devoted to jousting, and falls hard and good for the lady. Plus, he’s skilled not only in jousting, but in sword fighting and other such knightly activities. IN BED: he can ride a horse AND carry a big stick at the same time…
16.) Captain Jack Sparrow - Pirates of the Caribbean
Ah, the notorious Cap'n Jack. A pirate who can worm his way out of any tough situation, Captain Jack still manages to be honorable, even when all the rum's gone. His strange demeanor and clumsiness still have an awkward kind of grace to them that makes him endearing, and addition to having looks to spare. IN BED: yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's bed for me...
15.) El Mariachi – Desperado/Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Other than the fact that his accent is delicious, El Mariachi embodies the strong, silent type who knows exactly how to get the job done. His thirst for vengeance is perfectly coupled with some absolutely badass moves, and he always gets the girl...even when he's not trying. IN BED: he has guitarists' fingers, a seductive presence, and is extremely intense. He's strong, fast, and probably the best gunfighter there ever was - that would be fun.
14.) Harry Potter – Harry Potter
Well, Harry is just so damn…noble. He carries an epic burden, yet does not allow it to taint the purity of his soul. He’s believable and human, despite the fact that he has to single-handedly save the world. He's also attractive, personable, and a fantastic leader. That, and I could imagine that all of that Quiddich-playing and world-saving does wonders on a man's body. IN BED: you know what they say about the size of a wizard's wand...
13.) Danielle – EverAfter
Danielle de Barbarac is a Renaissance girl who defies all expectations of her, from social to gender. She couldn’t give a damn what others think of her, and goes through life with her head held high, despite the evil women in her life – someone every girl wants to be. Danielle also has a fantastic right arm (she totally took that wimpy prince out with the apple, didn’t she?), skills with a blade, and a sharp tongue. That’s pretty hot. IN BED: She’s a rough-and-tumble kind of girl who’s not afraid to have a good romp in the mud.
12.) Christian – Moulin Rouge
Sweet, sensitive, romantic, a damn good singer…what else could a girl ask for? He’s the ultimate in your sweet romantic fantasies. IN BED: He’s got a very big “talent”. Enough said.
11.) Wolverine – X-Men
Wolverine is one of those guys that’s rough around the edges in all ways possible, but when he loves you, he loves you for good. A good way to describe him is primal: he’s instinctual, protective, and animalistic, but he makes that ridiculously hot. IN BED: his skeleton is made of metal, he’s stronger than three men put together, and all of his wounds instantly heal. That would make for one interesting night.
10.) Trent Lane – Daria
Trent is the stoner kind of hot – the creative, weird, spacy kind of guy that you love to chill with because you never know what he’ll say next. Trent is also a talented musician who started his own band…and you know what they say about musicians. IN BED: Trent doesn’t like to make any sudden movements…so expect this to go on for a loooooong time.
9.) Mulan – Mulan
Mulan is so damned awesome. She’s fierce, loyal, resourceful, strong, goal-oriented, and brave – what else could you ask for? At the same time, she’s down-to-earth and realistic, funny, and is the ultimate in badass girls. She also doesn’t mind when her ancestors send her a little lizard for backup. IN BED: All that training with the Chinese army’s gotta pay off…
8.) InuYasha – InuYasha
InuYasha’s another one of those rough around the edges guys. He’s callous, a little evil, but an all-around lovable little hanyou who thinks that he can hide his love for Kagome (wrong!). IN BED: We saw how huge Tetsaiga gets when he goes into battle. I have a sneaking suspicion that applies elsewhere.
7.) The Phantom - The Phantom of the Opera
Talk about a conflicted character! The Phantom is brooding, intense, insanely smart, and has a possessive streak a mile wide. Given, he murdered a person or two, but it was essentially all in the name of the woman he loves. Physically, the Phantom is extremely strong, and pulls off tight pants in a manner matched perhaps only by David Bowie. IN BED: With that sexy half-mask and seductive voice, the Phantom can haunt by bedroom whenever he wants.
6.) Will Turner – Pirates of the Caribbean
Will’s passionate, dedicated, and innocent. He can swordfight, commandeer ships, and work with the most notorious pirate in the Caribbean yet still maintain his morals, and never once strays from his Elizabeth. His willingness to sacrifice for her is just…well, hot. IN BED: When one thinks about the amount of strength and control required to swordfight that well (he practices for HOW many hours a day?!), one starts to get ideas. That, and he’s just plain hot.
5.) Quatre Winner – Gundam Wing
Quatre is perhaps one of the most innocent people on this list. He lives his life with the purest of heart, and does not allow it to become tainted with the hardships and evils of warfare. That, and he’s a violinist. Violinists are hot. IN BED: He can pilot a massive space machine, which leads one to believe he’s quite comfortable piloting…other…massive machines.
4.) Ron Weasley – Harry Potter
Ron has been chosen over Harry due to the fact that he’s the underdog, and everybody loves the underdog. Ron’s fierce devotion to his friends makes one think that he’s like that in all aspects of his life (such as in bed), and his general unwarranted underrated-ness (so that’s not a word, who cares?) would lead one to the idea that it is definitely made up for in bed. IN BED: Redheads are a fiery lot. With Ron’s temper, you’d better watch out, or you might get burned.
3.) Lucius Malfoy – Harry Potter
What to say about Mr. Malfoy Sr.? He’s so damned evil…but in a seductive kind of way. He’s powerful, rich, influential, and extremely skilled at talking his way out of trouble (or in trouble, depending on the case), and Voldemort’s right hand man – yet somehow you can still imagine yourself climbing into bed with him for a night of wicked debauchery…or at least I can. IN BED: He’s rich and attractive. And evil. Enough said.
2.) Rick O’Connell – The Mummy/The Mummy Returns
Ah, the dashing good guy. Mr. O'Connell ("You can call me Rick...") is the ultimate movie hero: not only does he have good looks and boundless amounts of courage, but he has boundless amounts of sarcasm and wit to spare as well. Rick's fierce protection of his family in the latter movies makes him appealing to women across the board, and how can you go wrong at a guy who'll scream right back at a reanimated decomposing corpse? IN BED: I've never seen anyone make riding a camel look so sexy.
1.) Jareth – Labyrinth
Alright, everyone’s gotta love the bad guy…but what makes Jareth even more attractive is that you totally understand his motives (he loves Sarah, and she totally shoots him down! What a bitch!). He’s smooth, cool, cunning, and sexy in that bad guy sort of way, with a twist of the 80’s. His general attitude is so poised that he’d have me walking off cliffs and forgetting about babies (except for making some with him…) left and right, and his voice is unbelievably commanding and seductive. We won’t even mention the things visible in those spandex pants…IN BED: Um…did you SEE how he twirled those glass spheres?
Conclusion: I have a thing for pirates and guys with swords and/or masks.
Breakdown
Guys: 26
Girls: 4
Cartoons: 4
Real-life: 26
Human: 13
Other: 8 (three wizards, one vampire, one mutant, one dog-demon, one elf, and one goblin king)
Fun Fact: I have two Orlando Bloom characters, two Heath Ledger Characters, and two Brendan Fraser characters. I also started this list before Heath Ledger died... :(
Anyway, I found a list similar to the following one here: http://members.aol.com/ivycleartoes/30list.html so I figured I'd give it a shot myself. This should be both interesting and entertaining for all.
The Top 30 Characters I'd Do
30.) George - George of the Jungle
Oh, he’s just so cute and endearing. He remains untainted by the modern world, and has an ape named Ape and an elephant named Shep. He's noble in his own right, and loves Jane very, very much. Plus, body. Wow. IN BED: Added bonuses include perpetual privacy in the jungle (save from those pesky animals) and his incredible vine-swinging ability.
29.) Dr. Jo Harding – Twister
Jo is a very strong character who’s dedicated to the cause to an almost fanatical degree, due to a tragedy in her past. However, she doesn’t let this bog her down – she’s as devoted as they get to chasing twisters, and is also partially responsible for developing an advanced storm-studying pack. She’s intelligent, she’s a risk-taker, and she never did really give up on Bill. IN BED: The woman likes to chase tornadoes, for god’s sake. She’s about as exciting as they come.
28.) V - V for Vendetta
V is shrouded in mystery. He can save a damsel in distress, kick ass and take names, and cook you breakfast all in one fell swoop - all without removing his mask (which is, in some strange way, rather sexy). V's intelligence, thirst for vengeance, freedom fighting, and remaining compassion make him the most desirable masked bachelor I've seen in a long time. IN BED: With moves like his, V can detonate my Parliament any day.
27.) Eric Foreman – That 70’s Show
I've always had a thing for the gangly nerdy kids, and Eric Foreman embodies just that. He's kind of a slacker and doesn't seem to be good at anything in particular, but he tends to be the brains of the operation...next to Donna, that is. IN BED: half of the girls in Point Place seem to have had a thing for him at one point (haha?) or another, so apparently there's something going on there. Besides, who wouldn't want sex in the Vista Cruiser?
24.) Hamlet – Hamlet
You gotta love the conflicted guy. Hamlet is potentially the most intelligent literary figure ever, and you’re never quite sure whether or not he’s crazy…he’s either a fantastic actor, or completely off his rocker. Regardless, Hamlet’s a mystery I’d love to solve. IN BED: His tendency towards crazy, passionate mood swings would definitely spice things up. That, and there’s the whole prince of an entire country thing. At least one thing is not rotten in the state of Denmark…
23.) Patrick Verona – 10 Things I Hate About You
Patrick Verona is, for lack of a better term, a complete badass. The rumor mill is constantly churning around him, with crazy stories that make him practically legendary at Padua High. He has a sexy, brooding look to him with his crazy black hair and biker-esque clothes, complimented by the constant presence of his non-violent Buddhist friend. I always like a man who's into variety. IN BED: He has no liver and once ate an entire duck. I like the adventurous types.
22.) Legolas – The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Ah, the strong, silent type. Legolas is almost effeminate in appearance if you forget about his extraordinary archery, unsurpassable fighting skills, his longevity as a runner, his devotion to his brethren, and his intense, piercing stare…so I guess he’s really not, save for the pretty blond hair. Legolas is not cocky, despite the fact that he owns the crap out of any sorry orc that comes his way, and his poise and silent confidence are exceptionally sexy. IN BED: He can run for days and not get tired. That, I’m sure, applies elsewhere.
21.) Kat – 10 Things I Hate About You
And 10 Things I hate About You makes another appearance! Kat has so much attitude that you don’t even know where to start. She’s so fervently against the grain that she’s almost predictable, she’s got a bad temper, everyone’s afraid of her, and she does whatever she damn well pleases…and yet still manages to be a little human and fall for the adorable Pat Verona. Kat is exceptionally badass, and is an excellent interpretation of The Taming of the Shrew’s well…shrew. IN BED: That girl is a dirty, dirty dancer.
20.) Lestat – Interview with the Vampire
Ah, the Brat Prince. Lestat is decadent, indulgent, and occasionally sweet – sort of like a good desert. But Lestat is much more than that: he’s introspective, deep, sensitive, has a love of fine and beautiful things, and is a conflicted, troubled man. That, and he’s a vampire. Pretty hot. IN BED: I’d trade many, many eternities of damnation for a night with Lestat.
19.) Jack Dawson – Titanic
Yeah, yeah, I know, what a cliché. Even still, Jack’s nobility, cheekiness, and bravery make him one sexy immigrant. I’d steam up a car with Jack any day, even if it involved being on a sinking ship. IN BED: Two words: artist's hands. Enough said.
18.) Detective Stabler – Law and Order: SVU
Detective Elliot Stabler is intense, strong, and focused: what else would you want in a man in bed? His attitude is awesome; he won’t stop until he gets the bad guy, yet he readily admits to his flaws, of which he has many. And that’s why we love him. IN BED: I’d play cops and robbers with him any day.
17.) William – A Knight’s Tale
William Thatcher: a poor man with a knight’s ambitions. You gotta sympathize with him; he really makes a lot out of a life that didn’t give him much. William is loyal to his friends, fiercely devoted to jousting, and falls hard and good for the lady. Plus, he’s skilled not only in jousting, but in sword fighting and other such knightly activities. IN BED: he can ride a horse AND carry a big stick at the same time…
16.) Captain Jack Sparrow - Pirates of the Caribbean
Ah, the notorious Cap'n Jack. A pirate who can worm his way out of any tough situation, Captain Jack still manages to be honorable, even when all the rum's gone. His strange demeanor and clumsiness still have an awkward kind of grace to them that makes him endearing, and addition to having looks to spare. IN BED: yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's bed for me...
15.) El Mariachi – Desperado/Once Upon a Time in Mexico
Other than the fact that his accent is delicious, El Mariachi embodies the strong, silent type who knows exactly how to get the job done. His thirst for vengeance is perfectly coupled with some absolutely badass moves, and he always gets the girl...even when he's not trying. IN BED: he has guitarists' fingers, a seductive presence, and is extremely intense. He's strong, fast, and probably the best gunfighter there ever was - that would be fun.
14.) Harry Potter – Harry Potter
Well, Harry is just so damn…noble. He carries an epic burden, yet does not allow it to taint the purity of his soul. He’s believable and human, despite the fact that he has to single-handedly save the world. He's also attractive, personable, and a fantastic leader. That, and I could imagine that all of that Quiddich-playing and world-saving does wonders on a man's body. IN BED: you know what they say about the size of a wizard's wand...
13.) Danielle – EverAfter
Danielle de Barbarac is a Renaissance girl who defies all expectations of her, from social to gender. She couldn’t give a damn what others think of her, and goes through life with her head held high, despite the evil women in her life – someone every girl wants to be. Danielle also has a fantastic right arm (she totally took that wimpy prince out with the apple, didn’t she?), skills with a blade, and a sharp tongue. That’s pretty hot. IN BED: She’s a rough-and-tumble kind of girl who’s not afraid to have a good romp in the mud.
12.) Christian – Moulin Rouge
Sweet, sensitive, romantic, a damn good singer…what else could a girl ask for? He’s the ultimate in your sweet romantic fantasies. IN BED: He’s got a very big “talent”. Enough said.
11.) Wolverine – X-Men
Wolverine is one of those guys that’s rough around the edges in all ways possible, but when he loves you, he loves you for good. A good way to describe him is primal: he’s instinctual, protective, and animalistic, but he makes that ridiculously hot. IN BED: his skeleton is made of metal, he’s stronger than three men put together, and all of his wounds instantly heal. That would make for one interesting night.
10.) Trent Lane – Daria
Trent is the stoner kind of hot – the creative, weird, spacy kind of guy that you love to chill with because you never know what he’ll say next. Trent is also a talented musician who started his own band…and you know what they say about musicians. IN BED: Trent doesn’t like to make any sudden movements…so expect this to go on for a loooooong time.
9.) Mulan – Mulan
Mulan is so damned awesome. She’s fierce, loyal, resourceful, strong, goal-oriented, and brave – what else could you ask for? At the same time, she’s down-to-earth and realistic, funny, and is the ultimate in badass girls. She also doesn’t mind when her ancestors send her a little lizard for backup. IN BED: All that training with the Chinese army’s gotta pay off…
8.) InuYasha – InuYasha
InuYasha’s another one of those rough around the edges guys. He’s callous, a little evil, but an all-around lovable little hanyou who thinks that he can hide his love for Kagome (wrong!). IN BED: We saw how huge Tetsaiga gets when he goes into battle. I have a sneaking suspicion that applies elsewhere.
7.) The Phantom - The Phantom of the Opera
Talk about a conflicted character! The Phantom is brooding, intense, insanely smart, and has a possessive streak a mile wide. Given, he murdered a person or two, but it was essentially all in the name of the woman he loves. Physically, the Phantom is extremely strong, and pulls off tight pants in a manner matched perhaps only by David Bowie. IN BED: With that sexy half-mask and seductive voice, the Phantom can haunt by bedroom whenever he wants.
6.) Will Turner – Pirates of the Caribbean
Will’s passionate, dedicated, and innocent. He can swordfight, commandeer ships, and work with the most notorious pirate in the Caribbean yet still maintain his morals, and never once strays from his Elizabeth. His willingness to sacrifice for her is just…well, hot. IN BED: When one thinks about the amount of strength and control required to swordfight that well (he practices for HOW many hours a day?!), one starts to get ideas. That, and he’s just plain hot.
5.) Quatre Winner – Gundam Wing
Quatre is perhaps one of the most innocent people on this list. He lives his life with the purest of heart, and does not allow it to become tainted with the hardships and evils of warfare. That, and he’s a violinist. Violinists are hot. IN BED: He can pilot a massive space machine, which leads one to believe he’s quite comfortable piloting…other…massive machines.
4.) Ron Weasley – Harry Potter
Ron has been chosen over Harry due to the fact that he’s the underdog, and everybody loves the underdog. Ron’s fierce devotion to his friends makes one think that he’s like that in all aspects of his life (such as in bed), and his general unwarranted underrated-ness (so that’s not a word, who cares?) would lead one to the idea that it is definitely made up for in bed. IN BED: Redheads are a fiery lot. With Ron’s temper, you’d better watch out, or you might get burned.
3.) Lucius Malfoy – Harry Potter
What to say about Mr. Malfoy Sr.? He’s so damned evil…but in a seductive kind of way. He’s powerful, rich, influential, and extremely skilled at talking his way out of trouble (or in trouble, depending on the case), and Voldemort’s right hand man – yet somehow you can still imagine yourself climbing into bed with him for a night of wicked debauchery…or at least I can. IN BED: He’s rich and attractive. And evil. Enough said.
2.) Rick O’Connell – The Mummy/The Mummy Returns
Ah, the dashing good guy. Mr. O'Connell ("You can call me Rick...") is the ultimate movie hero: not only does he have good looks and boundless amounts of courage, but he has boundless amounts of sarcasm and wit to spare as well. Rick's fierce protection of his family in the latter movies makes him appealing to women across the board, and how can you go wrong at a guy who'll scream right back at a reanimated decomposing corpse? IN BED: I've never seen anyone make riding a camel look so sexy.
1.) Jareth – Labyrinth
Alright, everyone’s gotta love the bad guy…but what makes Jareth even more attractive is that you totally understand his motives (he loves Sarah, and she totally shoots him down! What a bitch!). He’s smooth, cool, cunning, and sexy in that bad guy sort of way, with a twist of the 80’s. His general attitude is so poised that he’d have me walking off cliffs and forgetting about babies (except for making some with him…) left and right, and his voice is unbelievably commanding and seductive. We won’t even mention the things visible in those spandex pants…IN BED: Um…did you SEE how he twirled those glass spheres?
Conclusion: I have a thing for pirates and guys with swords and/or masks.
Breakdown
Guys: 26
Girls: 4
Cartoons: 4
Real-life: 26
Human: 13
Other: 8 (three wizards, one vampire, one mutant, one dog-demon, one elf, and one goblin king)
Fun Fact: I have two Orlando Bloom characters, two Heath Ledger Characters, and two Brendan Fraser characters. I also started this list before Heath Ledger died... :(
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
A little late, but...
Oh my god, Christian won Project Runway.
CHRISTIAN.
What in the flying fuck?
First off, his line in the final was just, in a word, horrendous. Most of those models couldn't even see where they were going due to the ridiculous floppy hats and 8-foot tall collars. I suppose his line fell under the guise of "couture," but as far as wearability, I'm thinking a huge no. If I ever saw someone wearing one of those jackets with those collars walking down the street, I'd probably stop, stare at them, pause, then smack them across the face with a brick. But its sheer ridiculousenss aside, it was all pretty dull to me. It was an endless parade of black and drab greenish grey, with some ruffles, feathers, structured jackets, skinny jeans, and boots. Honestly, almost everything out there could fall under at least one of those categories - how boring.
Then there was the judging. Other than the fact that Nina Garcia seems to lack any sort of taste in fashion or common sense (and is, of course, a total bitch), who was the guest judge? None other than Victoria Beckham, who Christian has said on numerous occasions is one of his style icons and specifically designs for her. Well, then, isn't it just a tad biased to have her as a guest judge, seeing as she's already stated to be a fan of his work? It seemed just a little ridiculous, not to mention horribly unfair, for Rami and Jillian when the guest judge is almost guaranteed to vote for Christian.
I know it sounds like I'm being really harsh on Christian - I suppose I am - because his style is very much not for my taste (or anyone else's taste that I know, fortunately). I have to hand it to him, though, he has some chops as a designer, particularly for someone who's 21 years old. It blows my mind that he's only a year older than me and has already won Project Runway and could sell his entire line to Posh Spice, and I'm doing...well, nothing, other than writing this blog and going to college. Christian is a little diva and can be a total snot, as well has having a serious need to start working on his people skills, particularly with his customers, but he isn't afraid to take risks and really owns his work. That much was apparent at the runway show; he loved what he made, and I respect that, even if I didn't love it.
Regardless, I thought Jillian's collection was much better (her knits were adorable!), and had expected her to win over Rami for sure. I didn't even know what to say when Rami was in the final two, as his color selection was pretty bad overall (what was he thinking when he put that absolutely gorgeous weave dress in a drab olive?!), and his line, other than his dresses, just fell completely flat. There was one particular outfit that stuck out in my head; there were these awful high-waisted magenta pants with awkward pockets that stuck out everywhere and just didn't fit the model, and this jacket...thing...that was black and white patterned and had ruffles and I don't even know what happening on it. I think I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw that go down the runway. Rami's strengths definitely lie in his gown design; sure, he drapes all the damn time, but he does a great job of it. Some of his dresses I could actually wear, and would like to wear, but the rest of his clothes...no. Just...no.
Besides...I missed Chris.
Either way, I'm shocked that Christian won, shocked at the choice of guest judge, and shocked that Jillian didn't at least get second.
Oh, and I'm shocked that magenta high-waisted pants found their way anywhere near that finale.
P.S. Here's a fun interview with the fabulous Tim Gunn from the Chicago Tribune:
http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/entertainment_tv/2008/03/project-runways.html
CHRISTIAN.
What in the flying fuck?
First off, his line in the final was just, in a word, horrendous. Most of those models couldn't even see where they were going due to the ridiculous floppy hats and 8-foot tall collars. I suppose his line fell under the guise of "couture," but as far as wearability, I'm thinking a huge no. If I ever saw someone wearing one of those jackets with those collars walking down the street, I'd probably stop, stare at them, pause, then smack them across the face with a brick. But its sheer ridiculousenss aside, it was all pretty dull to me. It was an endless parade of black and drab greenish grey, with some ruffles, feathers, structured jackets, skinny jeans, and boots. Honestly, almost everything out there could fall under at least one of those categories - how boring.
Then there was the judging. Other than the fact that Nina Garcia seems to lack any sort of taste in fashion or common sense (and is, of course, a total bitch), who was the guest judge? None other than Victoria Beckham, who Christian has said on numerous occasions is one of his style icons and specifically designs for her. Well, then, isn't it just a tad biased to have her as a guest judge, seeing as she's already stated to be a fan of his work? It seemed just a little ridiculous, not to mention horribly unfair, for Rami and Jillian when the guest judge is almost guaranteed to vote for Christian.
I know it sounds like I'm being really harsh on Christian - I suppose I am - because his style is very much not for my taste (or anyone else's taste that I know, fortunately). I have to hand it to him, though, he has some chops as a designer, particularly for someone who's 21 years old. It blows my mind that he's only a year older than me and has already won Project Runway and could sell his entire line to Posh Spice, and I'm doing...well, nothing, other than writing this blog and going to college. Christian is a little diva and can be a total snot, as well has having a serious need to start working on his people skills, particularly with his customers, but he isn't afraid to take risks and really owns his work. That much was apparent at the runway show; he loved what he made, and I respect that, even if I didn't love it.
Regardless, I thought Jillian's collection was much better (her knits were adorable!), and had expected her to win over Rami for sure. I didn't even know what to say when Rami was in the final two, as his color selection was pretty bad overall (what was he thinking when he put that absolutely gorgeous weave dress in a drab olive?!), and his line, other than his dresses, just fell completely flat. There was one particular outfit that stuck out in my head; there were these awful high-waisted magenta pants with awkward pockets that stuck out everywhere and just didn't fit the model, and this jacket...thing...that was black and white patterned and had ruffles and I don't even know what happening on it. I think I threw up in my mouth a little when I saw that go down the runway. Rami's strengths definitely lie in his gown design; sure, he drapes all the damn time, but he does a great job of it. Some of his dresses I could actually wear, and would like to wear, but the rest of his clothes...no. Just...no.
Besides...I missed Chris.
Either way, I'm shocked that Christian won, shocked at the choice of guest judge, and shocked that Jillian didn't at least get second.
Oh, and I'm shocked that magenta high-waisted pants found their way anywhere near that finale.
P.S. Here's a fun interview with the fabulous Tim Gunn from the Chicago Tribune:
http://featuresblogs.chicagotribune.com/entertainment_tv/2008/03/project-runways.html
A post of a most Harry Potter nature
What is it, exactly, about J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series that seems to have ensnared millions upon millions of readers (myself most definitely included), making them stand in line for hours to receive a $22 hard-cover copy, at midnight, of the last installment of the series (myself again included)? It's a question still being asked since the series' release all the way back in 1997.
Well, perhaps our friends over at Moist Cupcake comedy group can help us understand a little better:
Clearly, it is not just myself who harbors some sort of freakish obsession with young Harry and his Hogwarts cohorts.
So, this begs the question of why, exactly, is this series so unbelievably addicting?
Personally, I have been hooked on HP since 6th grade when the second book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, came out. It's difficult to explain what exactly drew me to the series; perhaps it was the realism of Rowling's characters, from the endearlingly doomed Harry to the loyal Ron to the brainy Hermione...or perhaps it was the tragic love triangle that was revealed in Deathly Hallows, between Lily Evans, James Potter, and Severus Snape. Maybe it was the realism with with Rowling presented her series, making children (and not-so-young people) desperately want to visti London so they could inspect for themselves whether or not Platform 9 3/4 in King's Cross really exists, or desperately search their mail on a daily basis to discern for themselves whether or not Dumbledore was going to send them their letter to Hogwarts (because if they didn't look themselves, it was a distinct possibility that their parents hated magic and would make every attempt to throw these letters out, a Dursleyish thing to do).
Then again, perhaps the masses became enamored with the series because of the ease with which one can parody it. For example, Saturday Night Live did a fantastic Harry Potter parody, casting Hermione as an extremely busty Lindsay Lohan, as well as Robot Chicken, which had the trio fighting the monster "Pubertus" (due to copyright infringement and such, I've been unable to find both of these videos, as they've been removed from the interwebs, but I can't say I didn't try!). Perhaps the most famous parody of Harry Potter, however, would probably be the "Potter Puppet Pals." An example can be seen here:
(credit to Neil Cicierega and co. for this brilliant material)
However, I think the ultimate reason why J.K. Rowling's idea (that was created upon napkins, by the way) has infected the masses is as such:The pages are laced with crack-cocaine.
Yes, I said it - the publishers at Scholastic in the United States and Bloomsbury in the United Kingdom sprinkle each page with an ever-so-slight amount of crack. However, with insanely long works such as Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (734 pages, U.S.) and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (870 pages, U.S.) that amounts to quite a large amount of crack. Rowling, of course, planned it like such: the first few books had fewer amounts of pages, and therefore a lesser amount of crack. It was entry-level, just enough to get the reader hooked. However, once readers had gotten to the fourth and fifth books, the levels grew to a major-addict level, causing readers to wait insanely long lines and pre-order books months in advance in order to get their fix. Rowling started to taper the pages off in the sixth installment, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in order to truly build up for the last book in the series. This, of course, caused all of the strung-out crack addicts to do insane things to obtain their copies, which had a satisfactory amount of pages at 759 when it was finally released, counting that miserable hunk of words that she refers to as an "Epilogue," a.k.a. the "Nineteen Years Later" chapter. What is left to be seen is how said addicts will cope without their doses of new grams - er, books.
So, there you have it: reading the Potter books leads to crack addictions.
That is all.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Those Pesky Question-Askers
It's a situation every college student is familiar with.
You're sitting in class, minding your own business (which may or may not include listening to the professor), and a movement catches your eye. You pick your head up, turning it towards the direction of the distraction, and silently hope that it isn't...one of them. They always interrupt class, detracting from your learning experience, and just plain hurt your delicate brain with their stupidities. You probably then audibly sigh, expressing your frustration to your colleagues, because what you witnessed is exactly what you feared:
Someone has their hand up.
They’re there in every class. You know the ones – they can’t seem to keep their mouth shut during lecture because they’re just bursting at the seams with intellectual ideas that must go forth so that their wisdom can enhance the lecture. One notices as well that they seem to know everything there is to know about the subject…or at least they think they do. They seem to convince themselves that everything they have to say is useful, when really, they talk because they either a.) like the sound of their own voice, b.) like to feel smart but really are not and their questions compensate for that, or c.) all of the above. It is perhaps the worst part of any lecture. They ask inane questions or raise their hands to make “observations”, neither of which have anything really to do with what the professor is saying, and the other students start bursting at the seams to allow their thoughts to go forth: “Shut up, for the love of God! Nobody cares!” And the smaller the lecture, the worse they are, because there is honestly no way to escape them. At least in the large lectures one can sleep, put on their headphones, or do one of those convenient Sudoku puzzles provided by The Daily Cardinal or The Badger Herald unnoticed. But in a small lecture or discussion of say, thirty people, it’s a difficult feat to melt into a crowd that isn’t there in order to drown out the infernal questions and speculations without a professor noticing.
What’s to be done about them, a good student who keeps their mouth shut would wonder? Well, there’s always the direct approach of throwing something heavy at them, like a brick or an overpriced textbook, but that has the potential to end badly, such as jail time or replacing textbooks (which is worse is yet to be determined). So, unless you’re willing to brave your college town’s jail cells or fork over another $200 for a book you’re never going to open, I would not personally recommend this option. A second option is the more indirect approach of shouting at said person, insulting them and reducing them to a smoldering pile of ash from the heat of your scathing remarks, but professors tend not to like that so much either, even if it relieves them from their scholarly duties of answering, since it adds to their headache brought on from the question-askers (as well as the overload of coffee). What professors hate even more, it seems, than those students who cannot manage to shut themselves up are disruptions in general. It's a disruption enough to have some fool waving their hand in the air in the middle of educating a room full of people, but those can at least be easily ignored - having an unconcious, possibly bleeding or engulfed-in-flame student on the ground cannot.
But have faith, diligent students! All hope is not yet lost.
Through research, I have developed a few ideas on how to combat this killer of brain cells - some are a few more intricate than others, but all of them just might be able to rid the world of the bane of our existances.
OPTION 1. One tactic which can work in a smaller group is to just stare at them intently everytime they speak, or even if they look like they are about to speak. But you have to really go for it, like no blinking, move your head, eyes wide. It doesn't matter what they think - that you're going to stalk them, kill them or that you're just weird - they usually find it pretty off putting. (Submitted by Chris "Tosser" Hale)
OPTION 2. A variation on option 1: making eye contact with said hand-raiser, and shaking your head back and forth rapidly in attempt to discourage them from raising their hand in the first place.
OPTION 3. The University could install circuits for small electrical currents in each seat in lecture halls. The professor would have a chart of all the seats at their podium, and each time an inane question is asked, the professor would be able to push the corresponding button to the seat of the student, electrocuting them minorly. This is similar to the use of "shock collars" for dogs - eventually, the student will learn to keep their hand down and not overstep their "boundaries," similar to a family pet. (Taken from Episode 2, Season 2 of the popular television show "Futurama")
OPTION 4. A student or a group of students wear ski masks or other items of clothing that hide the face, and sit in the most obsolete of locations in lecture - preferably hidden to the professor (and the potential question-askers, if at all possible). When the target raises his or her hand, the student or band of students throws a series of increasingly heavy objects at the student if they do not cease speaking. The student or band of students then run out of the lecture hall. This is very similar to guerilla warfare. (Taken from history - Vietnam/Iraq/assorted wars, etc.)
If anyone else has ideas on how to fight this enemy, please feel free to submit them!
For now, that is all.
(Apologies for my absence, by the way - life got just a tad hectic since Valentine's Day)
You're sitting in class, minding your own business (which may or may not include listening to the professor), and a movement catches your eye. You pick your head up, turning it towards the direction of the distraction, and silently hope that it isn't...one of them. They always interrupt class, detracting from your learning experience, and just plain hurt your delicate brain with their stupidities. You probably then audibly sigh, expressing your frustration to your colleagues, because what you witnessed is exactly what you feared:
Someone has their hand up.
They’re there in every class. You know the ones – they can’t seem to keep their mouth shut during lecture because they’re just bursting at the seams with intellectual ideas that must go forth so that their wisdom can enhance the lecture. One notices as well that they seem to know everything there is to know about the subject…or at least they think they do. They seem to convince themselves that everything they have to say is useful, when really, they talk because they either a.) like the sound of their own voice, b.) like to feel smart but really are not and their questions compensate for that, or c.) all of the above. It is perhaps the worst part of any lecture. They ask inane questions or raise their hands to make “observations”, neither of which have anything really to do with what the professor is saying, and the other students start bursting at the seams to allow their thoughts to go forth: “Shut up, for the love of God! Nobody cares!” And the smaller the lecture, the worse they are, because there is honestly no way to escape them. At least in the large lectures one can sleep, put on their headphones, or do one of those convenient Sudoku puzzles provided by The Daily Cardinal or The Badger Herald unnoticed. But in a small lecture or discussion of say, thirty people, it’s a difficult feat to melt into a crowd that isn’t there in order to drown out the infernal questions and speculations without a professor noticing.
What’s to be done about them, a good student who keeps their mouth shut would wonder? Well, there’s always the direct approach of throwing something heavy at them, like a brick or an overpriced textbook, but that has the potential to end badly, such as jail time or replacing textbooks (which is worse is yet to be determined). So, unless you’re willing to brave your college town’s jail cells or fork over another $200 for a book you’re never going to open, I would not personally recommend this option. A second option is the more indirect approach of shouting at said person, insulting them and reducing them to a smoldering pile of ash from the heat of your scathing remarks, but professors tend not to like that so much either, even if it relieves them from their scholarly duties of answering, since it adds to their headache brought on from the question-askers (as well as the overload of coffee). What professors hate even more, it seems, than those students who cannot manage to shut themselves up are disruptions in general. It's a disruption enough to have some fool waving their hand in the air in the middle of educating a room full of people, but those can at least be easily ignored - having an unconcious, possibly bleeding or engulfed-in-flame student on the ground cannot.
But have faith, diligent students! All hope is not yet lost.
Through research, I have developed a few ideas on how to combat this killer of brain cells - some are a few more intricate than others, but all of them just might be able to rid the world of the bane of our existances.
OPTION 1. One tactic which can work in a smaller group is to just stare at them intently everytime they speak, or even if they look like they are about to speak. But you have to really go for it, like no blinking, move your head, eyes wide. It doesn't matter what they think - that you're going to stalk them, kill them or that you're just weird - they usually find it pretty off putting. (Submitted by Chris "Tosser" Hale)
OPTION 2. A variation on option 1: making eye contact with said hand-raiser, and shaking your head back and forth rapidly in attempt to discourage them from raising their hand in the first place.
OPTION 3. The University could install circuits for small electrical currents in each seat in lecture halls. The professor would have a chart of all the seats at their podium, and each time an inane question is asked, the professor would be able to push the corresponding button to the seat of the student, electrocuting them minorly. This is similar to the use of "shock collars" for dogs - eventually, the student will learn to keep their hand down and not overstep their "boundaries," similar to a family pet. (Taken from Episode 2, Season 2 of the popular television show "Futurama")
OPTION 4. A student or a group of students wear ski masks or other items of clothing that hide the face, and sit in the most obsolete of locations in lecture - preferably hidden to the professor (and the potential question-askers, if at all possible). When the target raises his or her hand, the student or band of students throws a series of increasingly heavy objects at the student if they do not cease speaking. The student or band of students then run out of the lecture hall. This is very similar to guerilla warfare. (Taken from history - Vietnam/Iraq/assorted wars, etc.)
If anyone else has ideas on how to fight this enemy, please feel free to submit them!
For now, that is all.
(Apologies for my absence, by the way - life got just a tad hectic since Valentine's Day)
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Ye Olde Day of the Sainte Valentine
As I'm sure all of you have realized at some point, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. If you didn't know that, I'd seriously recommend your going to a store - now - and getting your significant other something. If you don't have one, congratulations! Your Valentine's Day is officially stress-free! Well, okay, I suppose you could get stressed about your lack of relationships or whether or not you'll get laid tonight after attempting to pick up a drunk and depressed single girl at a bar, but really, you have nothing to officially worry about. And you are very, very lucky.
Why is Valentine's Day stressful? It's supposed to be all fun and fluffy and filled with puppies and hearts and chocolate and all that fun stuff. Valentine's Day is supposed to be like how it was in elementary school: everyone makes a sweet valentine bag for their desk, composed of a paper bag, doilies, and stickers that takes all day to create, and then at the end of the day, everyone hands out those little Winnie the Pooh or Little Merrmaid valentines to everyone in the class with candy taped to them. Nobody loses! The teacher doesn't have to teach, the kids don't have to learn, everyone gets to feast on candy...there is absolutely nothing that is bad about this holiday. You don't have to worry about having a significant other or getting laid, you don't have to worry about what you'll cook for your romantic Valentine's dinner, you don't even have to worry about what to wear - your mom picked you out that awesome red sweatshirt with the teddy bears and hearts all over it. So what happens between first grade and college?
First, hormones: those evil little bastards that, for some reason, make you not want to be alone on February 14. The rest of the days of the year don't seem like as big of a deal; Christmas is great because you don't have to buy your significant other a present, so money is saved, you don't have to meet their family, so you don't have to worry about the painful awkwardness of meeting an entire extended family in the course of ten minutes, and you can spend it with your friends and do fun gift exchanges. Halloween is just fine, because you get to spend it with your friends, and you don't have to feel guilty when you go to a party dressed like a complete whore. However, Valentine's Day, for some reason, absolutely cannot be spent alone after age 13 (I realized, oddly, that I actually have not spent a Valentine's Day single since then, myself).
Another factor in the V-day equasion is peers. You can't help but look around your school on the fluffiest of all days and see all the happy canoodling couples and wish that you had one of those around your neck, too. Your friends all have boyfriends, so why don't you? To battle this depressing fact, it usually ends up that all the single friends get together and have some sort of gathering. The party of single people is fun to a point; however, it inevitably turns into a giant rant about how stupid Valentine's Day is, then once the anger abates, morphs into a giant depressed-fest of why they don't have a significant other, and then to how their life sucks. It's a gigantic downward spiral, created only with the intention of celebrating their solitude...which never, ever ends well. The college version of this, of course, is the venture out to the bars. The girls will get together, get dressed up all cutely, and head to a venue of choice to get drunk and celebrate their singleness. This is usually a horrible cover of their sadness over their lack of boyfriend, so they drink themselves into a depressed stupor and go home with the first guy that looks their way. February 15 is rarely a fun day for these girls.
Then there's the actual having a significant other for Valentine's Day, which can't exactly be classified as fun, either. There's the issue of selecting gifts; should I get them something cute? What about something naughty? What about jewelry? Should I just cook them dinner? From there, there's the actual "What are we going to do for Valentine's Day?" discussion. Dinner and a movie is overdone and lame (and usually a cop-out); one party making dinner can be fun, but also extremely stressful. There's the menu selection (do they like steak or seafood? What kind of side dish should I make?), then there's the actual preparation of it. In theory, this meal should be easy, right? Wrong. It never, ever goes well. For whatever reason, there's some sort of guarantee that whatever you make will turn out terribly, and you'll end up running to the grocery store last minute to buy some microwave lasagnes to throw together and say you spent all day cooking. There's also the time budget issue: you have to cook, but then you have to get dressed! And what to wear? All of this is particularly stressful if this happens to be a brand new relationship, because you don't want to make yourself look like a fool right off the bat. However, once you've been dating for a long time, Valentine's Day is just a hassle. It's not like you have to impress them anymore, right? It just becomes some lame excuse to spend more money on each other.
When it all comes down to it, Valentine's Day is overrated once you're over the age of 10. You start to care who gives you candy and what kind of little valentine you get from them, and you start to become aware that really, this holiday kind of sucks. My solution? Let's all go back to elementary school.
Look at 1:48:
The End.
Why is Valentine's Day stressful? It's supposed to be all fun and fluffy and filled with puppies and hearts and chocolate and all that fun stuff. Valentine's Day is supposed to be like how it was in elementary school: everyone makes a sweet valentine bag for their desk, composed of a paper bag, doilies, and stickers that takes all day to create, and then at the end of the day, everyone hands out those little Winnie the Pooh or Little Merrmaid valentines to everyone in the class with candy taped to them. Nobody loses! The teacher doesn't have to teach, the kids don't have to learn, everyone gets to feast on candy...there is absolutely nothing that is bad about this holiday. You don't have to worry about having a significant other or getting laid, you don't have to worry about what you'll cook for your romantic Valentine's dinner, you don't even have to worry about what to wear - your mom picked you out that awesome red sweatshirt with the teddy bears and hearts all over it. So what happens between first grade and college?
First, hormones: those evil little bastards that, for some reason, make you not want to be alone on February 14. The rest of the days of the year don't seem like as big of a deal; Christmas is great because you don't have to buy your significant other a present, so money is saved, you don't have to meet their family, so you don't have to worry about the painful awkwardness of meeting an entire extended family in the course of ten minutes, and you can spend it with your friends and do fun gift exchanges. Halloween is just fine, because you get to spend it with your friends, and you don't have to feel guilty when you go to a party dressed like a complete whore. However, Valentine's Day, for some reason, absolutely cannot be spent alone after age 13 (I realized, oddly, that I actually have not spent a Valentine's Day single since then, myself).
Another factor in the V-day equasion is peers. You can't help but look around your school on the fluffiest of all days and see all the happy canoodling couples and wish that you had one of those around your neck, too. Your friends all have boyfriends, so why don't you? To battle this depressing fact, it usually ends up that all the single friends get together and have some sort of gathering. The party of single people is fun to a point; however, it inevitably turns into a giant rant about how stupid Valentine's Day is, then once the anger abates, morphs into a giant depressed-fest of why they don't have a significant other, and then to how their life sucks. It's a gigantic downward spiral, created only with the intention of celebrating their solitude...which never, ever ends well. The college version of this, of course, is the venture out to the bars. The girls will get together, get dressed up all cutely, and head to a venue of choice to get drunk and celebrate their singleness. This is usually a horrible cover of their sadness over their lack of boyfriend, so they drink themselves into a depressed stupor and go home with the first guy that looks their way. February 15 is rarely a fun day for these girls.
Then there's the actual having a significant other for Valentine's Day, which can't exactly be classified as fun, either. There's the issue of selecting gifts; should I get them something cute? What about something naughty? What about jewelry? Should I just cook them dinner? From there, there's the actual "What are we going to do for Valentine's Day?" discussion. Dinner and a movie is overdone and lame (and usually a cop-out); one party making dinner can be fun, but also extremely stressful. There's the menu selection (do they like steak or seafood? What kind of side dish should I make?), then there's the actual preparation of it. In theory, this meal should be easy, right? Wrong. It never, ever goes well. For whatever reason, there's some sort of guarantee that whatever you make will turn out terribly, and you'll end up running to the grocery store last minute to buy some microwave lasagnes to throw together and say you spent all day cooking. There's also the time budget issue: you have to cook, but then you have to get dressed! And what to wear? All of this is particularly stressful if this happens to be a brand new relationship, because you don't want to make yourself look like a fool right off the bat. However, once you've been dating for a long time, Valentine's Day is just a hassle. It's not like you have to impress them anymore, right? It just becomes some lame excuse to spend more money on each other.
When it all comes down to it, Valentine's Day is overrated once you're over the age of 10. You start to care who gives you candy and what kind of little valentine you get from them, and you start to become aware that really, this holiday kind of sucks. My solution? Let's all go back to elementary school.
Look at 1:48:
The End.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A Fashion Forward post.
Today, I’m going to channel a little Perez Hilton or Project RunGay and talk about fashion. Yes, I realize that of all people to cover fashion, I seem highly unlikely to have/be allowed to have an opinion on it due to my daily lack of fashion (jeans, t-shirts, gym shoes, and hoodies are allowed when you’re in college, thanks); however, I do have a few things to say about what is and what has been popular recently.
First off, leggings. I hate leggings. I cannot even begin to express my absolute hatred of these stupid spandex monstrosities. They were bad enough when they came in just plain black, but when the market exploded with horrible printed and colored leggings, it was just all over for me. Besides, they were borderline acceptable when girls wore them under short jean skirts because it made them look less trashy, and that was okay with me. I like it when girls don’t have their “areas” all over the place for everyone to see. I started getting concerned, however, when they started getting paired with long shirts, and became downright repulsed when they became a substitute for pants. You know what? Leggings are NOT pants! I’m sorry, I don’t care how you justify them (their being solid is not an argument), but they are not, and were never meant to be, pants. That’s like going out in public in a tank top and a pair of tights and calling it acceptable. It’s just not (unless you’re wearing a tutu and toe shoes). So please, do us all a favor and put some pants on. And let the 80’s die…please.
Why, god, why?!
Second, big sunglasses. Maybe they were cool in the 60’s, but they’re not really cool now. You look like an absolute fool in them, because it turns out that very few girls can pull them off without looking like a bug that flew in on top of a UFO. So either do yourself a favor and splatter on my windshield, space bug, or take the stupid glasses off.
Sorry, but you look like a tool.
Third, babydoll dresses. What, exactly, is attractive about these? They look like bags, horrible, shapeless bags that just hang on whoever is wearing them. They don’t contour, they don’t hide, they don’t FIT…they just hang there and look like mini-muu muus. How is that attractive? And a note to all you fashion designers, just because you put pockets on it doesn’t make it somehow acceptable and/or cute. If anything, it just highlights the little girl quality of it, seeing as babydolls are already adorned with buttons and bows. Seriously, this type of dress just pandering to pedophiles, even if we forget how atrocious they look, and I can’t seem to get past how downright creepy that is. Even runway models look terrible in a babydoll, so how the hell am I supposed to make it work? I can’t. And not a single girl I’ve seen wearing one can really make it work, either. They’re awful. Make it stop.
At least the fabulous Miz Kors agrees with me.
Fourth, Project Runway. Okay, when Jeffrey won the previous season, the show just lost all its credibility for me. Were any of the judges actually looking at the clothes Jeffrey made? They were hideous! Almost all of them looked like the Derelict line from Zoolander…and that is a BAD thing. Ignoring the fact that he was a total asshole, Jeffrey’s lack of talent seriously pissed me off, because I don’t consider making a trash bag and some street cones into a dress talent. Jeffrey can derelick my (figurative) balls. This season…I don’t even know what to say. Sweet P is just…I don’t even know what she is, honestly. Her clothes all look sloppily constructed, and I can’t say I’m really too much of a fan of her style. She should have been gone a long time ago, in my opinion. And Christian? Can I just punch him in the face and get it over with? What a little shit. He’d do himself and everyone else around him a big favor if he could just get over himself and quit acting like he’s god’s gift to fashion. If he were, I think he would have won every challenge…and maybe not botch up that prom dress challenge so badly. Ugh.
You're a douche bag. Sorry.
Your tats, like your clothes, aren't really that cute.
-headdesk-
Fifth, Michael Kors’ new collection. It looks nice and all, but I don’t understand what about it is so fantastic and original. Honestly, it’s a 1961 rehash. That’s it. He looks like he took fabric from my grandma’s old sofa, handed it to his little sewing team, and said, “Here, make me a dress,” and I don’t find it all that appealing. Sure, some of the outfits are actually pretty cute, but I see little, if no modern twist on the 60’s. I could probably raid either of my grandmothers’ closets and find the same pencil skirts and long printed jackets. And as for having an Amy Winehouse influence: where? I don’t see any of the models appearing to have some sort of addiction (other than to barfing), they don’t appear to be crackwhores (for the most part), they’re all fully clothed, and none of them look to be 100% Grade-A Batshit Crazy, unlike Ms. Rehab. Sometimes, I think even The Duchess himself doesn’t know what he’s talking about, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t.
How the hell did you get your hands on my grandma's couch?!
Sixth, Beyoncé’s Grammy dress. What was going on there? From the waist down, it was a gorgeous dress, but I just didn’t get what the deal was with that giant space-age silver thing on top. The dress looked like Disney’s Cinderella and a David Bowie song mated, and the result was just plain distressing despite my love of both. The silver was just way too over-the-top, and I can’t say I’m really a fan of the top portion that came off of the bust. Maybe it’s just because it reminds me of how all of my high school homecoming dresses fit me before my mom took them in on top, but it just looks awkward and ill-fitting to me. And Solange's? What...the...hell. My first impression of it was, "Coven of Child Vampires Take a Trip to Salvation Army." My friend Kaitlin suggested that the "goth circus was going to do a performance of Macbeth." Either one works, because I just plain don't understand the gothic mess that this itty bitty swatch of fabric is. I rate the dresses the Sisters Knowles donned as epic disasters. And let's not get started on the hair for either party.
What. The. Fuck.
First off, leggings. I hate leggings. I cannot even begin to express my absolute hatred of these stupid spandex monstrosities. They were bad enough when they came in just plain black, but when the market exploded with horrible printed and colored leggings, it was just all over for me. Besides, they were borderline acceptable when girls wore them under short jean skirts because it made them look less trashy, and that was okay with me. I like it when girls don’t have their “areas” all over the place for everyone to see. I started getting concerned, however, when they started getting paired with long shirts, and became downright repulsed when they became a substitute for pants. You know what? Leggings are NOT pants! I’m sorry, I don’t care how you justify them (their being solid is not an argument), but they are not, and were never meant to be, pants. That’s like going out in public in a tank top and a pair of tights and calling it acceptable. It’s just not (unless you’re wearing a tutu and toe shoes). So please, do us all a favor and put some pants on. And let the 80’s die…please.
Why, god, why?!
Second, big sunglasses. Maybe they were cool in the 60’s, but they’re not really cool now. You look like an absolute fool in them, because it turns out that very few girls can pull them off without looking like a bug that flew in on top of a UFO. So either do yourself a favor and splatter on my windshield, space bug, or take the stupid glasses off.
Sorry, but you look like a tool.
Third, babydoll dresses. What, exactly, is attractive about these? They look like bags, horrible, shapeless bags that just hang on whoever is wearing them. They don’t contour, they don’t hide, they don’t FIT…they just hang there and look like mini-muu muus. How is that attractive? And a note to all you fashion designers, just because you put pockets on it doesn’t make it somehow acceptable and/or cute. If anything, it just highlights the little girl quality of it, seeing as babydolls are already adorned with buttons and bows. Seriously, this type of dress just pandering to pedophiles, even if we forget how atrocious they look, and I can’t seem to get past how downright creepy that is. Even runway models look terrible in a babydoll, so how the hell am I supposed to make it work? I can’t. And not a single girl I’ve seen wearing one can really make it work, either. They’re awful. Make it stop.
At least the fabulous Miz Kors agrees with me.
Fourth, Project Runway. Okay, when Jeffrey won the previous season, the show just lost all its credibility for me. Were any of the judges actually looking at the clothes Jeffrey made? They were hideous! Almost all of them looked like the Derelict line from Zoolander…and that is a BAD thing. Ignoring the fact that he was a total asshole, Jeffrey’s lack of talent seriously pissed me off, because I don’t consider making a trash bag and some street cones into a dress talent. Jeffrey can derelick my (figurative) balls. This season…I don’t even know what to say. Sweet P is just…I don’t even know what she is, honestly. Her clothes all look sloppily constructed, and I can’t say I’m really too much of a fan of her style. She should have been gone a long time ago, in my opinion. And Christian? Can I just punch him in the face and get it over with? What a little shit. He’d do himself and everyone else around him a big favor if he could just get over himself and quit acting like he’s god’s gift to fashion. If he were, I think he would have won every challenge…and maybe not botch up that prom dress challenge so badly. Ugh.
You're a douche bag. Sorry.
Your tats, like your clothes, aren't really that cute.
-headdesk-
Fifth, Michael Kors’ new collection. It looks nice and all, but I don’t understand what about it is so fantastic and original. Honestly, it’s a 1961 rehash. That’s it. He looks like he took fabric from my grandma’s old sofa, handed it to his little sewing team, and said, “Here, make me a dress,” and I don’t find it all that appealing. Sure, some of the outfits are actually pretty cute, but I see little, if no modern twist on the 60’s. I could probably raid either of my grandmothers’ closets and find the same pencil skirts and long printed jackets. And as for having an Amy Winehouse influence: where? I don’t see any of the models appearing to have some sort of addiction (other than to barfing), they don’t appear to be crackwhores (for the most part), they’re all fully clothed, and none of them look to be 100% Grade-A Batshit Crazy, unlike Ms. Rehab. Sometimes, I think even The Duchess himself doesn’t know what he’s talking about, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t.
How the hell did you get your hands on my grandma's couch?!
Sixth, Beyoncé’s Grammy dress. What was going on there? From the waist down, it was a gorgeous dress, but I just didn’t get what the deal was with that giant space-age silver thing on top. The dress looked like Disney’s Cinderella and a David Bowie song mated, and the result was just plain distressing despite my love of both. The silver was just way too over-the-top, and I can’t say I’m really a fan of the top portion that came off of the bust. Maybe it’s just because it reminds me of how all of my high school homecoming dresses fit me before my mom took them in on top, but it just looks awkward and ill-fitting to me. And Solange's? What...the...hell. My first impression of it was, "Coven of Child Vampires Take a Trip to Salvation Army." My friend Kaitlin suggested that the "goth circus was going to do a performance of Macbeth." Either one works, because I just plain don't understand the gothic mess that this itty bitty swatch of fabric is. I rate the dresses the Sisters Knowles donned as epic disasters. And let's not get started on the hair for either party.
What. The. Fuck.
That's my wrapup of the current/recent past state of fashion. I think I'll go back to eating my ice cream while sitting around in flannel pajama pants and a hoodie. But, on the upside, nobody is sitting here and taking pictures of me...and therefore nobody is laughing at my poor fashion choices. A word to the wise: try looking at a mirror before you leave your house. It'll do your wardrobe wonders.
Back...again? aka My Soupy Universe
Well, it turns out that I'm actually awful at updating my blog, and I'm sure you've all guessed that by now. So, my apologies to anyone out there who actually reads this (what's wrong with you?) - I shall do my best to actually update this with my witty remarks and cynical humor more frequently, as I know you all come here to read about me making fun of various people and things.
Anyway, it turns out that I'm sick, once again. When I woke up today, I felt like I had got hit by a bus carrying a thousand people with strep throat while I slept, so I figured that I wouldn't go to class and instead lay low, watching movies (more like reading two novels for class tomorrow) and eating soup. Now, when sick, most people go for the Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. It's a classic, after all - nothing makes you feel a little better, or at least remind you of your childhood, quite like chicken noodle soup. Imagine my surprise upon searching the soup aisle of Meijer desperately that they actually had no chicken noodle soup. None. I nearly panicked, as I was feeling crappy that weekend too (can I ever be healthy again?), but fortunately, some sparkly Campbell's labels caught my eye. Being ever attracted to shiny things, it turns out that these particular cans were of the "chicken noodle soup for kids" genre. Ignoring what sort of atrocity it is for little kids to insist on having chicken noodle Os as opposed to the elegant curve of the plain noodle, I stocked up on a few noodle varieties, figuring that it could be beneficial to change up my noodle routine once in a while.As my throat is killing me today, I figured it would be a good call to make some chicken noodle soup. Reaching into my rolling cart o' food, I grabbed the first shiny can that I saw, being "Chicken and Stars." It seemed wholly appropriate, as I am currently supposed to be in an Astronomy lecture, so I popped it in the microwave (oh come on, I took it out of the can first), then sat down to write this blog. As for the soup? This deserves a whole new paragraph.
It seems to be doing a good job making up for my lack of Astronomy, to say the least. I could probably make a few galaxies out of the number of stars there are in my soup. Every spoonful is chock full of stars. It's not like the regular chicken noodle, where you get a few spoonfuls here and there of just plain broth, which would be beneficial right about now. Nope, not this soup! It is positively relentless in its pursuit of giving you noodle-y goodness, going so far as forming little constellation-like clumps to maximize your noodle intake. Good lord, the sheer amount of stars is overwhelming! It's like the entire Milky Way galaxy is contained in my very bowl! There are the millions of noodle stars, the little carrot astroids (okay, what are carrots doing my chicken noodle soup, by the way?), chunks of chicken-planets, and little moons of an indiscernable vegetable - it's beautiful. I can see how little kids can get excited about this soup: it is absolutely thrilling to have a chunk of the universe floating around your yellow, sodium-filled atmosphere/broth, all contained within your Little Mermaid bowl of a universe. The union of space and soup is just plain brilliant.
So what does this mean? It means that you (yes, YOU!) should go out and buy some chicken and stars soup if you're ready to take that step and expand your noodle-y horizon. Who knows...maybe even you can benefit from a little spiral in your soup-y life.
Anyway, it turns out that I'm sick, once again. When I woke up today, I felt like I had got hit by a bus carrying a thousand people with strep throat while I slept, so I figured that I wouldn't go to class and instead lay low, watching movies (more like reading two novels for class tomorrow) and eating soup. Now, when sick, most people go for the Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. It's a classic, after all - nothing makes you feel a little better, or at least remind you of your childhood, quite like chicken noodle soup. Imagine my surprise upon searching the soup aisle of Meijer desperately that they actually had no chicken noodle soup. None. I nearly panicked, as I was feeling crappy that weekend too (can I ever be healthy again?), but fortunately, some sparkly Campbell's labels caught my eye. Being ever attracted to shiny things, it turns out that these particular cans were of the "chicken noodle soup for kids" genre. Ignoring what sort of atrocity it is for little kids to insist on having chicken noodle Os as opposed to the elegant curve of the plain noodle, I stocked up on a few noodle varieties, figuring that it could be beneficial to change up my noodle routine once in a while.As my throat is killing me today, I figured it would be a good call to make some chicken noodle soup. Reaching into my rolling cart o' food, I grabbed the first shiny can that I saw, being "Chicken and Stars." It seemed wholly appropriate, as I am currently supposed to be in an Astronomy lecture, so I popped it in the microwave (oh come on, I took it out of the can first), then sat down to write this blog. As for the soup? This deserves a whole new paragraph.
It seems to be doing a good job making up for my lack of Astronomy, to say the least. I could probably make a few galaxies out of the number of stars there are in my soup. Every spoonful is chock full of stars. It's not like the regular chicken noodle, where you get a few spoonfuls here and there of just plain broth, which would be beneficial right about now. Nope, not this soup! It is positively relentless in its pursuit of giving you noodle-y goodness, going so far as forming little constellation-like clumps to maximize your noodle intake. Good lord, the sheer amount of stars is overwhelming! It's like the entire Milky Way galaxy is contained in my very bowl! There are the millions of noodle stars, the little carrot astroids (okay, what are carrots doing my chicken noodle soup, by the way?), chunks of chicken-planets, and little moons of an indiscernable vegetable - it's beautiful. I can see how little kids can get excited about this soup: it is absolutely thrilling to have a chunk of the universe floating around your yellow, sodium-filled atmosphere/broth, all contained within your Little Mermaid bowl of a universe. The union of space and soup is just plain brilliant.
So what does this mean? It means that you (yes, YOU!) should go out and buy some chicken and stars soup if you're ready to take that step and expand your noodle-y horizon. Who knows...maybe even you can benefit from a little spiral in your soup-y life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
