As I'm sure all of you have realized at some point, Valentine's Day is tomorrow. If you didn't know that, I'd seriously recommend your going to a store - now - and getting your significant other something. If you don't have one, congratulations! Your Valentine's Day is officially stress-free! Well, okay, I suppose you could get stressed about your lack of relationships or whether or not you'll get laid tonight after attempting to pick up a drunk and depressed single girl at a bar, but really, you have nothing to officially worry about. And you are very, very lucky.
Why is Valentine's Day stressful? It's supposed to be all fun and fluffy and filled with puppies and hearts and chocolate and all that fun stuff. Valentine's Day is supposed to be like how it was in elementary school: everyone makes a sweet valentine bag for their desk, composed of a paper bag, doilies, and stickers that takes all day to create, and then at the end of the day, everyone hands out those little Winnie the Pooh or Little Merrmaid valentines to everyone in the class with candy taped to them. Nobody loses! The teacher doesn't have to teach, the kids don't have to learn, everyone gets to feast on candy...there is absolutely nothing that is bad about this holiday. You don't have to worry about having a significant other or getting laid, you don't have to worry about what you'll cook for your romantic Valentine's dinner, you don't even have to worry about what to wear - your mom picked you out that awesome red sweatshirt with the teddy bears and hearts all over it. So what happens between first grade and college?
First, hormones: those evil little bastards that, for some reason, make you not want to be alone on February 14. The rest of the days of the year don't seem like as big of a deal; Christmas is great because you don't have to buy your significant other a present, so money is saved, you don't have to meet their family, so you don't have to worry about the painful awkwardness of meeting an entire extended family in the course of ten minutes, and you can spend it with your friends and do fun gift exchanges. Halloween is just fine, because you get to spend it with your friends, and you don't have to feel guilty when you go to a party dressed like a complete whore. However, Valentine's Day, for some reason, absolutely cannot be spent alone after age 13 (I realized, oddly, that I actually have not spent a Valentine's Day single since then, myself).
Another factor in the V-day equasion is peers. You can't help but look around your school on the fluffiest of all days and see all the happy canoodling couples and wish that you had one of those around your neck, too. Your friends all have boyfriends, so why don't you? To battle this depressing fact, it usually ends up that all the single friends get together and have some sort of gathering. The party of single people is fun to a point; however, it inevitably turns into a giant rant about how stupid Valentine's Day is, then once the anger abates, morphs into a giant depressed-fest of why they don't have a significant other, and then to how their life sucks. It's a gigantic downward spiral, created only with the intention of celebrating their solitude...which never, ever ends well. The college version of this, of course, is the venture out to the bars. The girls will get together, get dressed up all cutely, and head to a venue of choice to get drunk and celebrate their singleness. This is usually a horrible cover of their sadness over their lack of boyfriend, so they drink themselves into a depressed stupor and go home with the first guy that looks their way. February 15 is rarely a fun day for these girls.
Then there's the actual having a significant other for Valentine's Day, which can't exactly be classified as fun, either. There's the issue of selecting gifts; should I get them something cute? What about something naughty? What about jewelry? Should I just cook them dinner? From there, there's the actual "What are we going to do for Valentine's Day?" discussion. Dinner and a movie is overdone and lame (and usually a cop-out); one party making dinner can be fun, but also extremely stressful. There's the menu selection (do they like steak or seafood? What kind of side dish should I make?), then there's the actual preparation of it. In theory, this meal should be easy, right? Wrong. It never, ever goes well. For whatever reason, there's some sort of guarantee that whatever you make will turn out terribly, and you'll end up running to the grocery store last minute to buy some microwave lasagnes to throw together and say you spent all day cooking. There's also the time budget issue: you have to cook, but then you have to get dressed! And what to wear? All of this is particularly stressful if this happens to be a brand new relationship, because you don't want to make yourself look like a fool right off the bat. However, once you've been dating for a long time, Valentine's Day is just a hassle. It's not like you have to impress them anymore, right? It just becomes some lame excuse to spend more money on each other.
When it all comes down to it, Valentine's Day is overrated once you're over the age of 10. You start to care who gives you candy and what kind of little valentine you get from them, and you start to become aware that really, this holiday kind of sucks. My solution? Let's all go back to elementary school.
Look at 1:48:
The End.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A Fashion Forward post.
Today, I’m going to channel a little Perez Hilton or Project RunGay and talk about fashion. Yes, I realize that of all people to cover fashion, I seem highly unlikely to have/be allowed to have an opinion on it due to my daily lack of fashion (jeans, t-shirts, gym shoes, and hoodies are allowed when you’re in college, thanks); however, I do have a few things to say about what is and what has been popular recently.
First off, leggings. I hate leggings. I cannot even begin to express my absolute hatred of these stupid spandex monstrosities. They were bad enough when they came in just plain black, but when the market exploded with horrible printed and colored leggings, it was just all over for me. Besides, they were borderline acceptable when girls wore them under short jean skirts because it made them look less trashy, and that was okay with me. I like it when girls don’t have their “areas” all over the place for everyone to see. I started getting concerned, however, when they started getting paired with long shirts, and became downright repulsed when they became a substitute for pants. You know what? Leggings are NOT pants! I’m sorry, I don’t care how you justify them (their being solid is not an argument), but they are not, and were never meant to be, pants. That’s like going out in public in a tank top and a pair of tights and calling it acceptable. It’s just not (unless you’re wearing a tutu and toe shoes). So please, do us all a favor and put some pants on. And let the 80’s die…please.
Why, god, why?!
Second, big sunglasses. Maybe they were cool in the 60’s, but they’re not really cool now. You look like an absolute fool in them, because it turns out that very few girls can pull them off without looking like a bug that flew in on top of a UFO. So either do yourself a favor and splatter on my windshield, space bug, or take the stupid glasses off.
Sorry, but you look like a tool.
Third, babydoll dresses. What, exactly, is attractive about these? They look like bags, horrible, shapeless bags that just hang on whoever is wearing them. They don’t contour, they don’t hide, they don’t FIT…they just hang there and look like mini-muu muus. How is that attractive? And a note to all you fashion designers, just because you put pockets on it doesn’t make it somehow acceptable and/or cute. If anything, it just highlights the little girl quality of it, seeing as babydolls are already adorned with buttons and bows. Seriously, this type of dress just pandering to pedophiles, even if we forget how atrocious they look, and I can’t seem to get past how downright creepy that is. Even runway models look terrible in a babydoll, so how the hell am I supposed to make it work? I can’t. And not a single girl I’ve seen wearing one can really make it work, either. They’re awful. Make it stop.
At least the fabulous Miz Kors agrees with me.
Fourth, Project Runway. Okay, when Jeffrey won the previous season, the show just lost all its credibility for me. Were any of the judges actually looking at the clothes Jeffrey made? They were hideous! Almost all of them looked like the Derelict line from Zoolander…and that is a BAD thing. Ignoring the fact that he was a total asshole, Jeffrey’s lack of talent seriously pissed me off, because I don’t consider making a trash bag and some street cones into a dress talent. Jeffrey can derelick my (figurative) balls. This season…I don’t even know what to say. Sweet P is just…I don’t even know what she is, honestly. Her clothes all look sloppily constructed, and I can’t say I’m really too much of a fan of her style. She should have been gone a long time ago, in my opinion. And Christian? Can I just punch him in the face and get it over with? What a little shit. He’d do himself and everyone else around him a big favor if he could just get over himself and quit acting like he’s god’s gift to fashion. If he were, I think he would have won every challenge…and maybe not botch up that prom dress challenge so badly. Ugh.
You're a douche bag. Sorry.
Your tats, like your clothes, aren't really that cute.
-headdesk-
Fifth, Michael Kors’ new collection. It looks nice and all, but I don’t understand what about it is so fantastic and original. Honestly, it’s a 1961 rehash. That’s it. He looks like he took fabric from my grandma’s old sofa, handed it to his little sewing team, and said, “Here, make me a dress,” and I don’t find it all that appealing. Sure, some of the outfits are actually pretty cute, but I see little, if no modern twist on the 60’s. I could probably raid either of my grandmothers’ closets and find the same pencil skirts and long printed jackets. And as for having an Amy Winehouse influence: where? I don’t see any of the models appearing to have some sort of addiction (other than to barfing), they don’t appear to be crackwhores (for the most part), they’re all fully clothed, and none of them look to be 100% Grade-A Batshit Crazy, unlike Ms. Rehab. Sometimes, I think even The Duchess himself doesn’t know what he’s talking about, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t.
How the hell did you get your hands on my grandma's couch?!
Sixth, Beyoncé’s Grammy dress. What was going on there? From the waist down, it was a gorgeous dress, but I just didn’t get what the deal was with that giant space-age silver thing on top. The dress looked like Disney’s Cinderella and a David Bowie song mated, and the result was just plain distressing despite my love of both. The silver was just way too over-the-top, and I can’t say I’m really a fan of the top portion that came off of the bust. Maybe it’s just because it reminds me of how all of my high school homecoming dresses fit me before my mom took them in on top, but it just looks awkward and ill-fitting to me. And Solange's? What...the...hell. My first impression of it was, "Coven of Child Vampires Take a Trip to Salvation Army." My friend Kaitlin suggested that the "goth circus was going to do a performance of Macbeth." Either one works, because I just plain don't understand the gothic mess that this itty bitty swatch of fabric is. I rate the dresses the Sisters Knowles donned as epic disasters. And let's not get started on the hair for either party.
What. The. Fuck.
First off, leggings. I hate leggings. I cannot even begin to express my absolute hatred of these stupid spandex monstrosities. They were bad enough when they came in just plain black, but when the market exploded with horrible printed and colored leggings, it was just all over for me. Besides, they were borderline acceptable when girls wore them under short jean skirts because it made them look less trashy, and that was okay with me. I like it when girls don’t have their “areas” all over the place for everyone to see. I started getting concerned, however, when they started getting paired with long shirts, and became downright repulsed when they became a substitute for pants. You know what? Leggings are NOT pants! I’m sorry, I don’t care how you justify them (their being solid is not an argument), but they are not, and were never meant to be, pants. That’s like going out in public in a tank top and a pair of tights and calling it acceptable. It’s just not (unless you’re wearing a tutu and toe shoes). So please, do us all a favor and put some pants on. And let the 80’s die…please.
Why, god, why?!
Second, big sunglasses. Maybe they were cool in the 60’s, but they’re not really cool now. You look like an absolute fool in them, because it turns out that very few girls can pull them off without looking like a bug that flew in on top of a UFO. So either do yourself a favor and splatter on my windshield, space bug, or take the stupid glasses off.
Sorry, but you look like a tool.
Third, babydoll dresses. What, exactly, is attractive about these? They look like bags, horrible, shapeless bags that just hang on whoever is wearing them. They don’t contour, they don’t hide, they don’t FIT…they just hang there and look like mini-muu muus. How is that attractive? And a note to all you fashion designers, just because you put pockets on it doesn’t make it somehow acceptable and/or cute. If anything, it just highlights the little girl quality of it, seeing as babydolls are already adorned with buttons and bows. Seriously, this type of dress just pandering to pedophiles, even if we forget how atrocious they look, and I can’t seem to get past how downright creepy that is. Even runway models look terrible in a babydoll, so how the hell am I supposed to make it work? I can’t. And not a single girl I’ve seen wearing one can really make it work, either. They’re awful. Make it stop.
At least the fabulous Miz Kors agrees with me.
Fourth, Project Runway. Okay, when Jeffrey won the previous season, the show just lost all its credibility for me. Were any of the judges actually looking at the clothes Jeffrey made? They were hideous! Almost all of them looked like the Derelict line from Zoolander…and that is a BAD thing. Ignoring the fact that he was a total asshole, Jeffrey’s lack of talent seriously pissed me off, because I don’t consider making a trash bag and some street cones into a dress talent. Jeffrey can derelick my (figurative) balls. This season…I don’t even know what to say. Sweet P is just…I don’t even know what she is, honestly. Her clothes all look sloppily constructed, and I can’t say I’m really too much of a fan of her style. She should have been gone a long time ago, in my opinion. And Christian? Can I just punch him in the face and get it over with? What a little shit. He’d do himself and everyone else around him a big favor if he could just get over himself and quit acting like he’s god’s gift to fashion. If he were, I think he would have won every challenge…and maybe not botch up that prom dress challenge so badly. Ugh.
You're a douche bag. Sorry.
Your tats, like your clothes, aren't really that cute.
-headdesk-
Fifth, Michael Kors’ new collection. It looks nice and all, but I don’t understand what about it is so fantastic and original. Honestly, it’s a 1961 rehash. That’s it. He looks like he took fabric from my grandma’s old sofa, handed it to his little sewing team, and said, “Here, make me a dress,” and I don’t find it all that appealing. Sure, some of the outfits are actually pretty cute, but I see little, if no modern twist on the 60’s. I could probably raid either of my grandmothers’ closets and find the same pencil skirts and long printed jackets. And as for having an Amy Winehouse influence: where? I don’t see any of the models appearing to have some sort of addiction (other than to barfing), they don’t appear to be crackwhores (for the most part), they’re all fully clothed, and none of them look to be 100% Grade-A Batshit Crazy, unlike Ms. Rehab. Sometimes, I think even The Duchess himself doesn’t know what he’s talking about, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t.
How the hell did you get your hands on my grandma's couch?!
Sixth, Beyoncé’s Grammy dress. What was going on there? From the waist down, it was a gorgeous dress, but I just didn’t get what the deal was with that giant space-age silver thing on top. The dress looked like Disney’s Cinderella and a David Bowie song mated, and the result was just plain distressing despite my love of both. The silver was just way too over-the-top, and I can’t say I’m really a fan of the top portion that came off of the bust. Maybe it’s just because it reminds me of how all of my high school homecoming dresses fit me before my mom took them in on top, but it just looks awkward and ill-fitting to me. And Solange's? What...the...hell. My first impression of it was, "Coven of Child Vampires Take a Trip to Salvation Army." My friend Kaitlin suggested that the "goth circus was going to do a performance of Macbeth." Either one works, because I just plain don't understand the gothic mess that this itty bitty swatch of fabric is. I rate the dresses the Sisters Knowles donned as epic disasters. And let's not get started on the hair for either party.
What. The. Fuck.
That's my wrapup of the current/recent past state of fashion. I think I'll go back to eating my ice cream while sitting around in flannel pajama pants and a hoodie. But, on the upside, nobody is sitting here and taking pictures of me...and therefore nobody is laughing at my poor fashion choices. A word to the wise: try looking at a mirror before you leave your house. It'll do your wardrobe wonders.
Back...again? aka My Soupy Universe
Well, it turns out that I'm actually awful at updating my blog, and I'm sure you've all guessed that by now. So, my apologies to anyone out there who actually reads this (what's wrong with you?) - I shall do my best to actually update this with my witty remarks and cynical humor more frequently, as I know you all come here to read about me making fun of various people and things.
Anyway, it turns out that I'm sick, once again. When I woke up today, I felt like I had got hit by a bus carrying a thousand people with strep throat while I slept, so I figured that I wouldn't go to class and instead lay low, watching movies (more like reading two novels for class tomorrow) and eating soup. Now, when sick, most people go for the Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. It's a classic, after all - nothing makes you feel a little better, or at least remind you of your childhood, quite like chicken noodle soup. Imagine my surprise upon searching the soup aisle of Meijer desperately that they actually had no chicken noodle soup. None. I nearly panicked, as I was feeling crappy that weekend too (can I ever be healthy again?), but fortunately, some sparkly Campbell's labels caught my eye. Being ever attracted to shiny things, it turns out that these particular cans were of the "chicken noodle soup for kids" genre. Ignoring what sort of atrocity it is for little kids to insist on having chicken noodle Os as opposed to the elegant curve of the plain noodle, I stocked up on a few noodle varieties, figuring that it could be beneficial to change up my noodle routine once in a while.As my throat is killing me today, I figured it would be a good call to make some chicken noodle soup. Reaching into my rolling cart o' food, I grabbed the first shiny can that I saw, being "Chicken and Stars." It seemed wholly appropriate, as I am currently supposed to be in an Astronomy lecture, so I popped it in the microwave (oh come on, I took it out of the can first), then sat down to write this blog. As for the soup? This deserves a whole new paragraph.
It seems to be doing a good job making up for my lack of Astronomy, to say the least. I could probably make a few galaxies out of the number of stars there are in my soup. Every spoonful is chock full of stars. It's not like the regular chicken noodle, where you get a few spoonfuls here and there of just plain broth, which would be beneficial right about now. Nope, not this soup! It is positively relentless in its pursuit of giving you noodle-y goodness, going so far as forming little constellation-like clumps to maximize your noodle intake. Good lord, the sheer amount of stars is overwhelming! It's like the entire Milky Way galaxy is contained in my very bowl! There are the millions of noodle stars, the little carrot astroids (okay, what are carrots doing my chicken noodle soup, by the way?), chunks of chicken-planets, and little moons of an indiscernable vegetable - it's beautiful. I can see how little kids can get excited about this soup: it is absolutely thrilling to have a chunk of the universe floating around your yellow, sodium-filled atmosphere/broth, all contained within your Little Mermaid bowl of a universe. The union of space and soup is just plain brilliant.
So what does this mean? It means that you (yes, YOU!) should go out and buy some chicken and stars soup if you're ready to take that step and expand your noodle-y horizon. Who knows...maybe even you can benefit from a little spiral in your soup-y life.
Anyway, it turns out that I'm sick, once again. When I woke up today, I felt like I had got hit by a bus carrying a thousand people with strep throat while I slept, so I figured that I wouldn't go to class and instead lay low, watching movies (more like reading two novels for class tomorrow) and eating soup. Now, when sick, most people go for the Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. It's a classic, after all - nothing makes you feel a little better, or at least remind you of your childhood, quite like chicken noodle soup. Imagine my surprise upon searching the soup aisle of Meijer desperately that they actually had no chicken noodle soup. None. I nearly panicked, as I was feeling crappy that weekend too (can I ever be healthy again?), but fortunately, some sparkly Campbell's labels caught my eye. Being ever attracted to shiny things, it turns out that these particular cans were of the "chicken noodle soup for kids" genre. Ignoring what sort of atrocity it is for little kids to insist on having chicken noodle Os as opposed to the elegant curve of the plain noodle, I stocked up on a few noodle varieties, figuring that it could be beneficial to change up my noodle routine once in a while.As my throat is killing me today, I figured it would be a good call to make some chicken noodle soup. Reaching into my rolling cart o' food, I grabbed the first shiny can that I saw, being "Chicken and Stars." It seemed wholly appropriate, as I am currently supposed to be in an Astronomy lecture, so I popped it in the microwave (oh come on, I took it out of the can first), then sat down to write this blog. As for the soup? This deserves a whole new paragraph.
It seems to be doing a good job making up for my lack of Astronomy, to say the least. I could probably make a few galaxies out of the number of stars there are in my soup. Every spoonful is chock full of stars. It's not like the regular chicken noodle, where you get a few spoonfuls here and there of just plain broth, which would be beneficial right about now. Nope, not this soup! It is positively relentless in its pursuit of giving you noodle-y goodness, going so far as forming little constellation-like clumps to maximize your noodle intake. Good lord, the sheer amount of stars is overwhelming! It's like the entire Milky Way galaxy is contained in my very bowl! There are the millions of noodle stars, the little carrot astroids (okay, what are carrots doing my chicken noodle soup, by the way?), chunks of chicken-planets, and little moons of an indiscernable vegetable - it's beautiful. I can see how little kids can get excited about this soup: it is absolutely thrilling to have a chunk of the universe floating around your yellow, sodium-filled atmosphere/broth, all contained within your Little Mermaid bowl of a universe. The union of space and soup is just plain brilliant.
So what does this mean? It means that you (yes, YOU!) should go out and buy some chicken and stars soup if you're ready to take that step and expand your noodle-y horizon. Who knows...maybe even you can benefit from a little spiral in your soup-y life.
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