A Fashion Forward post.

Today, I’m going to channel a little Perez Hilton or Project RunGay and talk about fashion. Yes, I realize that of all people to cover fashion, I seem highly unlikely to have/be allowed to have an opinion on it due to my daily lack of fashion (jeans, t-shirts, gym shoes, and hoodies are allowed when you’re in college, thanks); however, I do have a few things to say about what is and what has been popular recently.

First off, leggings. I hate leggings. I cannot even begin to express my absolute hatred of these stupid spandex monstrosities. They were bad enough when they came in just plain black, but when the market exploded with horrible printed and colored leggings, it was just all over for me. Besides, they were borderline acceptable when girls wore them under short jean skirts because it made them look less trashy, and that was okay with me. I like it when girls don’t have their “areas” all over the place for everyone to see. I started getting concerned, however, when they started getting paired with long shirts, and became downright repulsed when they became a substitute for pants. You know what? Leggings are NOT pants! I’m sorry, I don’t care how you justify them (their being solid is not an argument), but they are not, and were never meant to be, pants. That’s like going out in public in a tank top and a pair of tights and calling it acceptable. It’s just not (unless you’re wearing a tutu and toe shoes). So please, do us all a favor and put some pants on. And let the 80’s die…please.

Why, god, why?!


Second, big sunglasses. Maybe they were cool in the 60’s, but they’re not really cool now. You look like an absolute fool in them, because it turns out that very few girls can pull them off without looking like a bug that flew in on top of a UFO. So either do yourself a favor and splatter on my windshield, space bug, or take the stupid glasses off.

Sorry, but you look like a tool.


Third, babydoll dresses. What, exactly, is attractive about these? They look like bags, horrible, shapeless bags that just hang on whoever is wearing them. They don’t contour, they don’t hide, they don’t FIT…they just hang there and look like mini-muu muus. How is that attractive? And a note to all you fashion designers, just because you put pockets on it doesn’t make it somehow acceptable and/or cute. If anything, it just highlights the little girl quality of it, seeing as babydolls are already adorned with buttons and bows. Seriously, this type of dress just pandering to pedophiles, even if we forget how atrocious they look, and I can’t seem to get past how downright creepy that is. Even runway models look terrible in a babydoll, so how the hell am I supposed to make it work? I can’t. And not a single girl I’ve seen wearing one can really make it work, either. They’re awful. Make it stop.

At least the fabulous Miz Kors agrees with me.



Fourth, Project Runway. Okay, when Jeffrey won the previous season, the show just lost all its credibility for me. Were any of the judges actually looking at the clothes Jeffrey made? They were hideous! Almost all of them looked like the Derelict line from Zoolander…and that is a BAD thing. Ignoring the fact that he was a total asshole, Jeffrey’s lack of talent seriously pissed me off, because I don’t consider making a trash bag and some street cones into a dress talent. Jeffrey can derelick my (figurative) balls. This season…I don’t even know what to say. Sweet P is just…I don’t even know what she is, honestly. Her clothes all look sloppily constructed, and I can’t say I’m really too much of a fan of her style. She should have been gone a long time ago, in my opinion. And Christian? Can I just punch him in the face and get it over with? What a little shit. He’d do himself and everyone else around him a big favor if he could just get over himself and quit acting like he’s god’s gift to fashion. If he were, I think he would have won every challenge…and maybe not botch up that prom dress challenge so badly. Ugh.

You're a douche bag. Sorry.




Your tats, like your clothes, aren't really that cute.


-headdesk-






Fifth, Michael Kors’ new collection. It looks nice and all, but I don’t understand what about it is so fantastic and original. Honestly, it’s a 1961 rehash. That’s it. He looks like he took fabric from my grandma’s old sofa, handed it to his little sewing team, and said, “Here, make me a dress,” and I don’t find it all that appealing. Sure, some of the outfits are actually pretty cute, but I see little, if no modern twist on the 60’s. I could probably raid either of my grandmothers’ closets and find the same pencil skirts and long printed jackets. And as for having an Amy Winehouse influence: where? I don’t see any of the models appearing to have some sort of addiction (other than to barfing), they don’t appear to be crackwhores (for the most part), they’re all fully clothed, and none of them look to be 100% Grade-A Batshit Crazy, unlike Ms. Rehab. Sometimes, I think even The Duchess himself doesn’t know what he’s talking about, ‘cause I sure as hell don’t.

How the hell did you get your hands on my grandma's couch?!





Sixth, Beyoncé’s Grammy dress. What was going on there? From the waist down, it was a gorgeous dress, but I just didn’t get what the deal was with that giant space-age silver thing on top. The dress looked like Disney’s Cinderella and a David Bowie song mated, and the result was just plain distressing despite my love of both. The silver was just way too over-the-top, and I can’t say I’m really a fan of the top portion that came off of the bust. Maybe it’s just because it reminds me of how all of my high school homecoming dresses fit me before my mom took them in on top, but it just looks awkward and ill-fitting to me. And Solange's? What...the...hell. My first impression of it was, "Coven of Child Vampires Take a Trip to Salvation Army." My friend Kaitlin suggested that the "goth circus was going to do a performance of Macbeth." Either one works, because I just plain don't understand the gothic mess that this itty bitty swatch of fabric is. I rate the dresses the Sisters Knowles donned as epic disasters. And let's not get started on the hair for either party.

What. The. Fuck.

That's my wrapup of the current/recent past state of fashion. I think I'll go back to eating my ice cream while sitting around in flannel pajama pants and a hoodie. But, on the upside, nobody is sitting here and taking pictures of me...and therefore nobody is laughing at my poor fashion choices. A word to the wise: try looking at a mirror before you leave your house. It'll do your wardrobe wonders.